i'm watching tee-vee!
hell's kitchen and master chef on starworld
gordon ramsay._.
i don't know if i love or hate him.
but the food's good :D
well i see people with all these decisions to make about their future
and i don't quite know why i'm just sure._.
okay fine yeah i do.
i know i'm giving my everything to humanities and the arts
and i know that for once (rarely, at least) in my life i'm doing something right.
i just know.
gut feeling maybe? even though i've been told that my gut feeling sucked for a girl.
i don't know. but right now,
i just want to start y5. 2012.
i just, just, just just just just want to leave 2011 behind because it's easily been
the worst year of my life. i lost so much, and just thinking about it makes me sick.
i hated 2011.
some dumb righteous part of me says that i needed it,
but that doesn't mean i don't hate it.
but i suppose it's only in times like this when you realise who's real and who's faking it
and who's sticking around for you,
and who can't wait to bolt.
well okay. so history literature economics mathematics.
i know that i'd somehow knew all along because
i found out that i scribbled this combi all over a page of my math notes -.-
cca also settled. submitted.
hope everyone makes the right choice. no regrets._.
finally, finally, finally i'm doing what i want.
for once following my dream, sort of.
two more months till 2012.
maybe the world will end and we'll all be spared from facing reality? ;)
well i see people with all these decisions to make about their future
and i don't quite know why i'm just sure._.
okay fine yeah i do.
i know i'm giving my everything to humanities and the arts
and i know that for once (rarely, at least) in my life i'm doing something right.
i just know.
gut feeling maybe? even though i've been told that my gut feeling sucked for a girl.
i don't know. but right now,
i just want to start y5. 2012.
i just, just, just just just just want to leave 2011 behind because it's easily been
the worst year of my life. i lost so much, and just thinking about it makes me sick.
i hated 2011.
some dumb righteous part of me says that i needed it,
but that doesn't mean i don't hate it.
but i suppose it's only in times like this when you realise who's real and who's faking it
and who's sticking around for you,
and who can't wait to bolt.
well okay. so history literature economics mathematics.
i know that i'd somehow knew all along because
i found out that i scribbled this combi all over a page of my math notes -.-
cca also settled. submitted.
hope everyone makes the right choice. no regrets._.
finally, finally, finally i'm doing what i want.
for once following my dream, sort of.
two more months till 2012.
maybe the world will end and we'll all be spared ;)
that you just stop fighting back.
doesn't mean you're giving up,
but rather, you're accepting that some things in our lives can't really be controlled.
i need to turn back time and stop myself from making mistakes, sure.
(and not just from exams)
but if i changed the girl then,
i guess i wouldn't be the girl now, either.
don't know what to say, but that 2011 made me learnt many things the hard way.
and honestly, i don't like learning things the hard way.
but life's a bitch.
guh.
head hurts.
"I love you.""This is the most beautiful lie i have ever heard."
would have been a lovely scene if not for the fact that two girls were involved
and they are vampires, and one shot the guy that the other loved.
(we are the night)
partyin' partyin' yeahz
lyf after eoys smells damn good:D
before the shit comes on tues and wed ):
anyway just a note that i'm still alive
and hasn't already died from all the dancing hehe
caught shark night.
everybody died. i'm quite sure.
it was like final d 5 all over again._.
anyway katherine mcphee was in it!
huge seafood dinner burp :D
i hate eating crab la seriously.
so little meat and u have to put in so much effort to dig the meat out -.-
so full i can't move.
stayed over at sis' nus hostel haha.
there's a weird pair of girls across the hall
who never really close their door.
oknvmbye.
this totally sums up ze play :D
fingers crossed for 4th nov!
"Dear Boyfriend,I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.Sincerely,Spiders"
WORD!!
two days.
wake up, anyway.
if life doesn't suck, you're not doing it right.
a little part of me feels kinda sad that i won't ever memorise any bio again.
or physics after tomorrow.
or chem after monday.
feels weird. i don't hate them. it's so much better if we didn't need to memorise
and spew it out in exams because we r totally studying for grades
and not because we want too.
guhz.
okay so lit + physics tmr -.-
kthxbai.
crawling back underground.
#edit
omgz finally an image from himym!
awh, ted. :D
#edit
omgz finally an image from himym!
awh, ted. :D
two days.
After she tosses her gun aside.
"Get down on the ground. Slowly. Spread your arms and your legs."
"Just like old times, huh?"
"Shut up."
---
"It wasn't your life. It was your cover. I warned you not to get emotionally attached."
"You mean the way you did- with me?"
" Don't" Points gun. "Don't."
---
always find the good shit to watch when i can't afford too ))):
juz downloaded about half of nikita hehehehehehe
it's so awesome and not just cos of maggie q.
and of course the nikita-michael thing.
and they're called the badass soulmates.
like seriously that's what they're known as hahahahaha sounds kinda funny but hot damn.
guh i hope i wont touch it at all during eoyz.
JUST IMAGINE ABOUT ONE WEEK PLUZ MORE AND
NO MORE STUDYING HOLYCRAP.
but for now,
O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
i used to used to used to, now i'm over that,
cos' holding grudges over love is ancient artifact.
love this song.
love this song.
it's one of those when you make it your ringtone, and then let the person calling
wait, just so you can hear more of it.
hehe.
the mv sucked though, i thought. adam levine was practically hidden behind some tee-vee screen.
very much unlike moves like jagger where he was dancing shirtless O:
guhz. i love him.
anyway,
approximately one fark-ing week to eoyz.
more importantly, about 14 days to end of it! :D
my movie/ tvd is list awesome, thank you very much :D :D
finish up the remaining episodes of himym, (AND WAIT FOR SEASON 7 GRAWR)
then think im gonna join the hype -.- and start vamp diaries and nikita and
something called new girl with zooey deschanel whom u know i love :D
and moviez like: whats your number, bad teacher, you again, the vow etc etc etc etc etc :D
anyway
today sucked.
if thiz keeps up
im probably going to die before eoyz
and then all my studying will be wasted dammit.
):
i would laff, but then.
._.
i dunno. maybe we can't trust our own judgment.
well, haha. so much for that.
when someone tells you that your past was actually a huge-ass lie,
but then you look back firsthand at what you had.
how does someone lie about all that?
doesn't seem possible.
but you know what?
i'm sticking to the story i've heard for about, 5 minutes,
to cover up the one i've been living for the past one and a half year O:
i know. it's so much easier to be pissed like hell.
and oh guhz. i am.
for all the grief you've caused me, you son of a bitch,
i finally chucked all your shit to one side.
tore a lot of pages off, too. (i mean literally. off my book)
there is nothing about you around me anymore and good riddance.
nice. i hope you get shot in the nuts.
if not, i have proper and full access to whatever equipment i need to do it myself.
thrice.
screw you!
eoys will be over soon!
imagine doing science for about 2, 3 weeks more only._.
oh gosh.
actually it feels weird. not doing science, i mean.
after doing it all my life.
but whatever, hahahahhaa.
screw me over now.
X MORE DAYS!
*jumps around*
don't know why people change.but in any case, a part of me finally stopped blaming myself (if i even did in the first place)
and i suppose, in some sense, i was relieved. am relieved, idk.
you've changed so much i hardly know who you are anymore
sure, everything on the outside is pretty much the same.
you make people laugh a lot. they all like you. like being around you.
but the person i knew kinda isn't there anymore.
the person with the big heart who would the distance, the person who was subtly thoughtful at times, the person who took on the world so well, he left me in admiration.
well, whatever. if i've noticed or learnt anything, it's that he's gone.
and now it's been reduced to just another face.
wow, huh. i wonder where he went.
you know, i watched somewhere that once you know, really know a person,
it's hard to unlearn everything when they're gone.
it just keeps coming back when it does.
it's not annoying, just kind of weird at times, that you still remember all their habits and likes and dislikes and other weird crap.
but now it doesn't matter, because that guy is gone.
he isn't you. and he'll never be you in a million years,
because that guy actually cared. and not just for himself.
also, in any case, i know this much, i'm trying out for vj after eoys.
fingers crossed.
point is, i don't wanna stay as much anymore.
anyway you know, i've been told once that those that mind don't matter,
and those that matter don't mind.
well you?
you mind. you minded. you always mind. you will always mind.
so by default, you don't matter.
you see that thing in the sky?
it's the sun. the earth revolves around it; not you, honey.
submitted the darn thing juz now.
about one hour pluz before deadline.
i think.
nevermind it's over and also all the sleepless nights :/
really made me think if i want to do plays from now on,
because they seem to be 24283028 times harder to write imo.
and it's frustrating like hell.
it takes about the third or fourth draft before i start to feel like
killing off all my characters one by one.
guhhzy.
apparently post exam activity is bowling wtf.
how's that gonna work out._. and like half the level 35 per class
i think everyone will get to bowl maybe like, once.
or a really huge alley O:
i think once.
but bowling kinda = throwing muney down the gutter so. yeah._.
wtf i'm so relieved that the play is submitted i dont even care that i did nuts revision this week
tgif!!!!
shitty ending, honestly. she didn't go with the best friend
but instead with the dude she slept with which is also her best friend's fiancee, which is also the guy she has been in love with since forever which should be very romantic and all but it was annoying because her best friend has been in love with her always and that's him saying that he was the only asshole there that cared about her, after she called him an asshole. )':
bottom picture's from crazy stupid luuuuuuurve!
hahaha caught it with 6/1 people (then had to run for the last train home._.) which is nuts, i swear since teacher's day we've all been out like, 3 or 4 times. it's so awesomely weird and cool at the same time that we never run out of things to say, like we never did, four years back.
but a lot of us changed, but in a nice way. so we pick right off where we started and it's been great.
ryan gosling juz made my list he is hot dammit.
actually he's alright. but then he's confident. and there's something about a guy who knows what he's doing :D assertive. confident. you knowz.
like barney stinson who is a fictional character though :/
anyway
so much crap to do lately.
inward bound play due friday, i think. which sucks. i really want to write it but
i need to sit down properly for that and i just don't have time to do that anymore
like wth):
i'm not expecting anything out of it honestly.
i wrote it because i needed to get everything out of my system.
and it is so personal i hope no one who knows has to ever read it.
it's practically word-for-word in there and
i don't know. i suppose i had to force myself to write it all out.
still no title.
but we got blake and alex and some.
and umbrellas.
but honestly, you can't summarise a love story in 13 pages,
bloody hell.
“The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11 months old.”-Barney Stinson
gurghhhh i love him!
gonna finish season 2 by today hell yeah.
went back to rss yesterday
and woah haha didn't expect so many 6/1 people :D
so lunch @astons then teo heng :D
hahaha, damn long ago when we were all young,
but kinda amazing how we could still pick up from where we left off
and keep talking.
i love them to bits haha
:D
gunna tell a story.
today bel xw and i ordered in pizza at xw's house.
there were pineapples on the pizza.
i didn't know it was that effingshitwtfbloody time of the month.
and when i say bloody, there's a lot of pun intended.
and so here i lie.
just going to wait for death to come.
or my uterus lining to kick into action.
whichever kills me first.
guhhrgh.
but backwards?
:D
aep proj today,
starbuxx all the way at freakin' sengkang with ck :D
green tea frap is alright. won't try it again though, haha.
the LRT is freakin' confusing. seriously!
and freakin' cool!!!
i'm totally serious, it goes up and down like a miniature rollercoaster O:
at first i thought xw said farmville and-
okay nevermind. sengkang is pretty cool. farmway* by the way.
a lot of empty lush green fields
which will probably be sprouting with buildings soon so, whattheheck.
then scootched over to cbd for the night scenes.
it never disappoints, haha.
we went to the roofie at the esplanade,
tried to blow glitter off into the wind
but the wind blew in our direction instead
and we ate glitter.
we both were covered with gold glitter and
went home looking like we did a ke$ha concert hehe.
ugh i love singapore at night when it comes alive (':
and i realised it wasn't really that hard to,
for something i had put off so long.
the place was exactly how it was months ago when we went.
i guess i realised that it'll always be the same place,
with the same view. and the same magic.
but it's the people that's changed.
the people is always changing.
we never really stop. every time it was you,
then it became me alone. then i got friends.
i hope someday i'll bring someone there,
who would be as important to me as you were.
or maybe more.
you know, i saw something i never quite saw before.
the row of lighted buildings and the lights along the bridge and mbs
reflects straight into the water.
and somehow, i couldn't stop staring at the water.
the buildings were there, cut out in concrete outlines and all,
but it was the reflection that made the difference.
it wasn't clear, for sure. it was just a mass of bright forms
dancing on the water surface, and you couldnt make out what was what,
except it was bright. the tide broke the lines and it just bobbed on the surface.
the reflection made me stare for a long time.
i don't know, maybe sometimes we prefer the reflection to the real image.
not saying the mirror image kind because that'd be identical.
but rather, instead of having things or people upfront and clear,
we'd rather have the unclear, indefinite reflected image that isn't as substantial
but we don't care.
because we can't handle the truth, and we don't want to.
but the truth is really, really scary. there are moments when i'd rather be lied to,
then forced to hear the truth.
we all want to continue playing out our version of things.
the rose-tinted version.
the version where nobody cries, the version where we get what we want.
but then, it doesn't actually happen, does it?
however much we want the reflected image, diving in would kill us.
in the end, the buildings that people still go to, the buildings that still stand through history
are the real, concrete ones.
realistically speaking.
we all want the fuzzy image and the reflected shimmer,
but only because we can't handle the real one.
i think that's with love. and all that crazy shit as well.
reflected image is love at it's very best. the whirl of young heady romance,
the rush of the first times. but then reality check and you reenter the real world.
it's solid. and solid doesn't change for anything.
there is so much more to it. there's understanding a person,
and being there so much it doesnt happen any other way.
its not completing sentences, but having an entire silent conversation, but walking away feeling like you've had the most intense talk ever.
it's not squishy hugs that make you feel like nothing else matters, but when he knows you need it most.
it's not much of spotting him in a huge crowd, but feeling him there, and not needing to be with him all the time, but not forgetting about him.
sometimes, i guess the best relationships are not so much of physical,
but mental. like most of it is really what happens in both your heads.
but then who am i to judge, right?
my point really is,
that today i went back.
i saw how badly i wanted to get on with life (which i am, already.)
and i saw how much i lived for you then.
and how i wanted out.
that's one more thing off my to-do list, haha.
well, today, i let go of something inside of me again.
we really did find a beautiful corner by esplanade.
don't forget about it, will you?
go back if you have the time.
it needed us when it could.
but now, it still needs you there as well.
don't care. whatever.
i just think it's bullshit
that you don't want to wait until 3 and just leave
for 'personal matters'. well, next time before you lie,
make sure someone else isn't going to come tell me the truth first.
ugh. not that i shld bother because the y4s have always been like that, anyway.
at least the juniors aren't, i guess.
not much y4s left next year anyway.
it's really easy to smile and say you love your cca and all that shit
but when it comes to being willing to travel up and down
just for training, i suppose that really differentiates the shit-talkers from the ones who really mean it.
don't know how to settle club tee now since we can't make 50 orders
okay maybe i shouldn't have rounded it up for a cheaper offer. but._.
guhhhh.
):/
but srsly, i'm not changing it now
when i have things to do up to there.
so muchie to do tonight ):
settle the jar, then start on the rhapsody essay.
i guess we've got to give her credit for giving us an eliot poem
even though we all don't get nuts about it.
and how i didnt rly listen because i didnt think we would
have to write a bloody essay okay nevermind that's not the point
then maybe edit ze play again
it's pissing me off because i'm having random strands of ideas
but not collectively, u know??
still dunno about future.
still pissed at schoolwork and lyf.
and still feeling like i need 239827392 more hours of sleep.
yeah. nothin' new there.
wonder if i'll ever get enough sleep again, heh.
or is this the rest of my life O:
life isn't too bad.
a bit confusing. and annoying. like a stick up your arse, sometimes.
and then i'm really going full out with the i-love-me treatment
and eating whatever i want yumz.
like my happylemon row, and i drank for a few days straight
and twice on one night O:
just so i could cross it off the menu list :D
then gongcha but it's not my fault they opened in simei
and i fell in love with the gongcha green tea :D
(tried alishan and got reminded why i dont like tea guhh)
not a healthy habit because i either get full sugar, or 80% for anything.
also i really think koi's macchiato is a gong cha rip off which i kept saying but nobody thought so ):
but it doesnt taste as nice as gong cha.
i realised that koi isnt that overrated cos it's not bad
but i just hate the bloody queue. like, srsly, don't people have other things to do other than queue for koi ):
anyw for the gong cha one you can drink the milk and let the tea seep in from below
don't mix cos you get some weird milk thing that is not as nice.
anyw they have instructions on the cup haha
and it's omgwtfbbq like an orgy firework in your mouth.
also need to try the irish cream milk tea from parkway O:
and eat more anderson's @denmark after tuition, students pricez + free topping.
that's whipped cream and choco/caramel fudge I KNOW RIGHT.
also havent drank ouam milkshakes for quite long /:
and the subway raspberry cheesecake cookie which is DAMN GOOD imo.
tried the chili crab sub and well. uh. don't eat it cold ): but quite
interesting :D
(you know we say interesting when it suxx but you wanna be nice about it)
oh and i kept eating 我♥台妹's tofu fries on my way from nat library
then in aep had durian craving and wanted to drag xw along after aepz to geylang
but didn't. but we're definitely going after she gets well omgz i want :D
also the 7-11 waffle is rly not bad, considering it's 1 buxx and free topping sometimes.
if she doesn't burn it (which she does a lot), it's cripsy green pandan-y yumz
okie woah haha a whole para about food!
pluz, so many shows i wanna watch too:D :D
ughhh exams i hate you u r ruining my social lyf. )':
i'm kinda stuck between two places, haha. that makes a few more months till 2012 comes.
if only the world ended then, it'd make everything so much easier.
but nope. life goes on.
hssssmh. 4L.
4L is a lot of things, i guess. everyone arguably knows that we're different because everywhere you look, you see girls, and more girls. and in this, i've found out a kind of sisterhood that isn't really like anything else in the world. plus two guys who are so vastly different, from each other, and from every other guy as well. different good. we're the arts class, i suppose. the dramatic people. the literature students. but i've loved it since 3L started, and i guess i never really stopped. after everything you've been through, you sort of realise that 4L will always be there for you. 4L won't ever leave. there's always something about finding a familiar face in a huge crowd, and because it's someone from 4L, everything falls into place.
i love you guys. altogether at once, and then separately. individually.
after interclass, we trooped over to rach's place for dinner and it felt like family.
how we yelled over the television and laughed and laughed and
well, we don't need a lot to be happy.
we kinda just need each other.
same kinda goes for awc.
i don't want to have to give up that family, as well.
i don't want to give up a lot of things in my life, actually.
so.
guhh. i really don't know what to do, now.
if i should stay or leave and if i leave would i be able to?
i thought i knew what i wanted. i do, i guess.
i just don't know if i can do it.
i just know that i love shooting like it's a part of me.
and awc and 4L is the other part.
meh.
it just dawned on me suddenly. i mean, yeah that's what they do.
you see, i believe that everything happens for a reason,
and i finally found my reason in why you did what you did,
and for the first time in months, i actually feel hopeful about something.
okay guhh back to cramming for econs test ):
you were probably my incentive for staying.
among other stuff. but it was mainly you.
what i didn't expect at that time, of course,
was everything falling through.
but now that it has, nothing much really holding me back,
should i just go for it, seriously.
then i wouldn't have to decide anything about awc here.
and and they offer theatre studies and drama at h2.
went to read the curriculum and it's the most amazing thing ever.
keep reading and re-reading the a lvl syllabus omg.
i want x100000
that would solve everything i wouldnt have to do (gulp) history.
and i haven't missed the deadline.
and it's nearer home??
but.
guhhh. i can't really start to say how we are like
think i made some post back then about 4L being everything and more.
nevermind. so sad.
it's like going around as a class,
then looking at some random person and thinking
oh gah can't imagine not being in the same class as her next year.
)':
future suxx.
like seriously. so everyone's talking about their subj combi
know for sure 101% whut i'm going to do but
dunno which history or ELL yet ugh.
but the main point is to do all humanities so i can't wait :D
and then shooting. which i'm really trying x120000 not to think about
because every time i do i get really pissed or annoyed or upset
i want to continue so badly. it's like, the natural thing to do.
quite sure it'll kill me if i have to give it up.
and i really, really, really don't/ can't give it up.
guh i hate you for making me have this dilemma
it was going to be just right, we'll all just keep shooting until senior high
and everything would be just right.
gahhh. pissed.
really, why should i give up something i love so much just cos of you??
and then i think of the two years, and how different it will be from the last two years
and i'm damn scared of what i might do to myself
and i'm damn scared of continuing to shoot.
sounds so f-ed up. but sorry, that's how i'm like ):
i should really be 1. less emotional and 2. less attached to things. and people.
like how i really learnt my lesson this time and i'm going to make my wall super impenetrable this time.
dammit.
i love shooting.
there's just something about looking through the rear sight
and knowing you shot a good shot.
and yeah, you can actually feel it when you shoot a ten.
all that stuff i said about shooting before, i wasn't just making them up.
and everyone says do what you want, blah blah.
i want to shoot. but it's not as easy as that.
it's going to come with the consequences of facing you,
but all differently, now.
and i know me.
i know i won't be able too.
suxx.
kthxbye busy weekend )):
oh hello.
that's emma stone planning her imaginary sexual tryst in easy A.
aruuugh i love that show.
cts just over, which means eoys r coming.
blah blah blah.
cts was bad. the studying bit, i mean.
like, really the worst week ever because i hardly slept at all
and when you just try to drill stuff into your head knowing that it doesn't stay inside
and knowing it's only a small bit compared to eoys
which will kill us 3847374% more.
and not finishing your lit essay._.
awesome possum.
almost pulled an all-nighter for farking chemistry,
and also bio and math2.
think i slept about an hour then rushed to school
fmlz.
guess it'll be over soon. i think.
think i had a minor meltdown on wednesday.
yelled awhile then resumed studying.
anywayz, i suppose it'll seem better if i just look forward idk.
sounds so politically correct haha
but really.
juz 6 more weeks (??) of sciences and then
I CAN BLOODY DROP EVERYTHING AND TAKE HUMANITIES YESH
skippie-yay!
tried bailey's scotched almonds @ anderson's of denmark today w huiqi
only think cool about parkway is the food :D
damn awesome didnt get drunk or anything.
sorrie if the stupid background is blinding you
i will change it when i can b bothered to ):
lit seminar on saturday!
at least there's something, you know??
guhh.
i'm gonna turn us into a script
oh yeah!
(<
it's more of how much i'm putting off finding a new page
and all that.
thing is, relationships r lame.
they honestly don't last, so guys,
stop believing in it.
finished friends with benefits and
am positively sure i like mila kunis almost as much as emma stone.
:D
thing is, actually, that relationships r messy and dumb.
and anyway, forever is bullshit.
true love doesn't exist.
happy endings are quite rubbish.
soulmates and stuff are juz shit excuses made up
so people would feel like they r part of some speshul glittery club.
like, hey look at me, i haz a soulmate so i'm not alone and sad like you.
but not really. we don't need that. any of that.
we are perfectly content by ourselves, as much as that sounds like
trying very hard to reassure ourselves,
it's true.
i love me. and i know i won't ever let
me down or break my own heart gosh.
or go against my promisez (r dumb too) or let myself down.
so don't trust anything anyone says.
it's all very much in the moment.
they want you to get sucked into this thing
then they leave you dangling over a busy highway
while they make a run for it.
always, always always make a run for it and leave you there like
leftovers.
honestly, we don't need anyone.
last post everrrrrr.
mayb for somewhere new.
mayb not.
don't know.
there's a lot of shit here about the past
and i really don't want to come back anymore.
today, i promised myself that i would never,
ever ever ever ever ever ever ever cry for you again.
but still half-hearted about shooting because it really means a lot to me
and i shouldn't let it go because you aren't worth it.
don't know ugh ):
anyways,
i'm closing it today.
actually pretty cool, because i realised what i never saw before.
i have so many amazing people around me
and i think i didn't really notice before.
and thank you if you have been putting up with me for the past few weeks
despite everything and i think i wasn't the best company to have around
but just know that i'm grateful.
not going to lie and say that i'm fine. i'm not.
sometimes i am, and i laugh harder than i'd in the past month.
but usually when i'm alone, it hits really hard.
i blame you a lot for doing this to me,
and myself for allowing this to happen.
it's a sucky feeling.
it's squeezy but not in the nice way.
but most of all, it's staring up just to keep the tears in.
biting down on your lip to stop yourself from falling apart.
the most ridiculous part is that i think i'm a little in shock.
mostly about not being able to believe it.
not in the sense that i look up expecting you to come back,
but rather, not believing that you could change your mind
and that i'd walked away for the last time
blah blah. all that.
but then again you know what?
i will. somehow. but i will.
i even made a list for it, haha.
how things always seem so much more official with lists.
things to do. probably quit aep. go for one more training (this one's really just to prove to myself that i can do it without you). go back to our corner at the esplanade someday soon. watch a bunch of movies. talk to people i hardly talk to. get a plant and water it daily. and then i'm going to study like hell for senior high, and take literature and other arts maybe a new cca, and become some weird artsy person who writes plays and sips english tea.
(BIG DREAMS IKR)
:D
okay just kidding about the last part i hate tea.
ask me if i'll fall in love again,
i don't know. probably won't dare to anymore.
but you know how disconnected my heart is from my head
so what can i say.
this much,
i'm going to be okay.
everything is going to be okay.
i don't know, but i just, really really think so.
tonight, gonna fight, till we see the sunlight,
tik tok, on the clock, no the party don't stop now.
well, bye guys!
skyscraper, demi lovato.Verse 1
Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence as it’s ending
Like we never had a chance
Do you have to make me feel like
There’s nothing left of me
Chorus
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I’m made of glass
Like I’m made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper (2x)
Verse 2
As the smoke clears
I awaken and untangle you from me
Would it make you feel better
To watch me while I bleed
All my windows still are broken
But I’m standing on my feet
Chorus
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I’m made of glass
Like I’m made of paper
And go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper (2x)
the end.
Day 20, the person that broke your heart the hardest.Day 24, the person that gave you your favourite memory.
Day 28, someone that changed your life.
there are many, actually.
many nights i will never forget.
today, i realised what you didn't tell me.
and i have you to thank for that, i guess. for not telling me.
for trying to find it back and save us.
but it couldn't happen.
finally understand what don't cry because it's over
smile because it happens truly means.
i don't know exactly when it started.
the times we first started going for training and going home after training.
many many many nights omg. we were crazy about shooting.
then it became sitting at the lane after trainings, still wearing our inners
and we started talking and talking that's when i really got to know you.
it was pretty much routine.
i would pump your cylinder for you without asking, you would adjust my gun stand.
you would just bring my gun to the lane with yours, and i would just grab anything else you left behind.
meeting you almost everyday 3pm at pasir ris during the holidays.
then eventually getting to know the gang of juniors
and started to actually plan stuff.
welcome party, haha. open house. all that.
really not about it ending,
but more of knowing how you felt.
or rather, didn't feel.
how it left you gradually and i guess you couldn't have helped it as well.
you were always there. like, in person. beside me.
and you didn't feel like just another friend.
you felt familar. your height, the sense of you being around me,
everything about you made it feel just right.
going to miss that bit, i guess. of walking beside you like i did for those millions and millions of steps.
of course, i'd never expected that one day,
the person walking beside me wouldn't just be a friend, but someone i would look at
and know that i loved.
the beautiful moments spent sitting by the esplanade when it was dark,
talking about our futures like we had a darn clue.
even when you painstakingly taught me physics until it was really dark
and how it paid off. and how happy i was. (thanks btw.)
then came the enslaught of movies. that period where we did it every friday night until we ran out of movies or patience. we stopped, but we still watched them every now and then.
you were so many firsts. the first to see me breakdown infront of someone, the first to hug me and tell me that everything would be okay, the first to drape your arm casually around my shoulders and used it to drag me around. the first to make me feel like this.
like love was simply love and what more was there to it?
i don't want to stop shooting.
but i can't decide if i'm going to be able to go in there
and be alright with retracing all our steps, but alone this time.
to pump my cylinder myself, to bring my gun to the lane myself.
i really don't want to stop shooting. i love shooting.
but, i don't know if i can continue doing what we both loved, and did together in the past.
the past. haha. didn't see this coming. definitely didn't expect it to come so soon,
just four months after my sixteenth birthday.
honestly, i don't know how it could just disappear from you like that.
but it did.
sorry for all the fights that i thought we got over, but i guess it just accumulated.
i need to thank you.
you were a friend. a teacher, a brother at times,
and you taught me a lot and not just physics.
and i have to say i love you in my stupid own way.
i really hope you get to read this, but i don't think you will.
well, if you do, thanks for showing me the world like no one else managed to.
the first time you decided not to go our normal route to the mrt after chingay,
and we found the prettiest place in singapore.
the first time you decided not to go for training like we usually did,
and we ended up watching inception which sparked of everything else.
when i get over this, i hope you're happy.
i mean, technically, you should be. you got out of our whirlpool.
well.
when i said i should never have gotten into this in the first place, i was wrong.
i don't regret it because once upon a time,
it was the only thing i wanted.
you made me smile. everyday.
i only wish i could do the same for you, now. but it might be too late.
so yes. if you read this,
i don't want us to be stangers who pass each other in hallways and shiver and
look away like there's a chill running through the room.
i don't want us to forget everything, that once made us happy and crazily, recklessly in love.
i remembered something i told you a few times before.
the only reason why i wanted for us to not be together as a couple
was so that i wouldn't lose you if we ever broke up.
i was fool-proofing our relationship.
i don't need you hold my hand like you did before or hug me against your shoulder
or wipe away my tears when i cry like before.
but before everything, you were a friend.
if anything still holds, i'd like that back.
if not, then just promise me you won't forget anything.
i wrote them all down so i wouldn't.
once upon a time, it was as simple as
i love you and you loved me too.
i don't really know where i go from here
because i didn't think this would ever come.
but i suppose like everything else, it'll be okay.
i won't lie and say that it doesn't hurt. it does.
a spot in my chest that keeps constricting.
waking up on mornings and not being able to breathe.
i hope you know that i will always miss you in this weird, dumb way of mine.
miss us. miss everything we did. should have done. could have done.
i want a lot of things now, but mostly, i just want to know that one day someone else might come and replace this hole you left.
thank you, so much, for the best eight, nine months of my life.
with love,
gina.
it's like relativity.
as much as i love shooting and i think it might kill me to let it go,
i will not have two years of whatever's happening now.
relativity.
i guess it's a matter of which kills more.
uh.
we'll see, i guess. or at least i will.
and you're sitting in the front row,
wanna be first in line,
waiting by my window,
giving me all your time,
you could be my hero,
if only I could let go,
but his love is still in me,
like a broken arrow,
like a broken arrow.
you know i hardly like to use words like 'always' or 'forever', but today i'll make an exception.
(':
seeing them together made me realise how much we used to dream of all that when we were younger. it was simple but i don't know, there's something about seeing two people deciding to spend eternity together that makes you want to believe again.
but it killed us. i think. i don't know.
today, i looked at you and i just realised how much things were different.
but bad different.
no wait, not bad. just different.
anyway different scares me.
it was you in a whole other universe that i didn't have the password to.
maybe my nonrenewable membership expired.
i know it's not because of that huge quarrel because things already started to go down different after june. after nationals maybe.
see, maybe that was why. maybe shooting was what kept us together.
i think. i don't know.
i have all these stupid thoughts in my head.
so everyone has this four walls around us.
doesn't have to be really tall. but just enough to keep people out from certain places in yourself.
sometimes you meet someone new. sometimes it's someone you've always known.
you were that.
and then if you're lucky enough, they take a hammer to it and break it down.
and then you open up everything to them, and they see through you no matter what,
and you complain that it's annoying, but secretly, having them there makes you feel like
anything is possible.
you made me feel like anything was possible.
it was all the time spent together. all the spontaneous movies we were almost late for,
and the lunches and dinners and trainings or just going home together.
we used to do that. just go home together on days without training.
and then we stopped.
you're really busy, i know. it's unreasonable to expect anything from you.
but do you know that feeling,
when i have different people coming up to me, asking where you are.
why isn't he with you?
why weren't you with him?
where is he?
stupid. force on a smile and answer them.
i don't even know why i'm complaining.
but this is what's happening; i haven't been happy for a long time.
it's pretty bloody ridiculous.
used to call you everytime i was excited about something. stopped.
used to tell you really, really random shit about my day. stopped.
used to tell you everything, really. and you did too, i think. stopped.
used to be my go-to person for everything. stopped.
used to be sure of everything.
feel so annoyed. should be doing something more meaningful with my life
than sitting around thinking and re-thinking the past right?? ):
you said you were tired of us arguing. but look at us now.
we don't argue anymore, only because we hardly even talk.
this shouldn't have never happened. i cannot believe it did.
i cannot believe i would ever look at you and see a stranger.
i still know what you like, and what you don't like.
i know how you stay up and what you always do,
and i know your habits and your character.
i know your style of writing and talking and texting and
how you sound when you're pissed or upset or tired.
i know how to tell when you're in a bad mood,
or when you are hiding something.
i know what you will say in awkward situations or when you don't really mean it,
or when you do.
i know you.
back then, you let me break down your four walls.
and you broke down mine.
you know, today, when i sifted through the crowd and i saw you
and i looked,
well, to be honest, it was really nothing particularly special.
i mean, i've looked at you a thousand times.
the only thing was that, you were there, and i was here.
i wouldn't say i miss you per se. i mean, i miss a lot of things. i miss the teacher that i liked and went away, i miss the friends who went to different schools, i miss the relatives who upped to another country. but.
it's the feeling i miss. you were always around.
there wasn't really a me without you, and that was it.
when i looked at you today, it was different because you were so far away.
when i looked at you back then, i just turned my head because you were always beside me.
and i remember i would just be looking at you while you ranted on,
until you noticed and stopped and turned to me too.
maybe it sounds stupid.
or i'm being stupid. or it is stupid.
i don't know. nevermind.
i don't even know why i'm writing all this.
so today, wedding, class lunch then lit up.
finding abigail only won best supporting actor,
but i really didn't like what i wrote, so what can i say._.
hopefully the playwriting bit will be better.
fingers crossed.
but then again, we wrote it months back.
don't know about now.
):
ihateit. when things all just fall on the same darn day
when there are tons other saturdays that can be used.
going to be running around singapore.
bah.
anyway.
really strange week so far.
celebrated mr tan's bdae (for a second time) today
with the cake.
best part was how mr ken tried to prolong the lesson and was crapping
non-stop about when he was young and cassette tapes, and monstrous computers.
for like, a whole fifteen minutes until the cake arrived.
class was giggling non-stop then the lights went off and we did the dhs bdae song.
that's the version where u sing it so fast you can't hear the words.
don't know why everyone from dhs does it like that.
chem test iz over im so happy i wanna scream
lit up drama comp on sat yippee!!
Demi Lovato "What To Do" Official Music Video
)': so sonny and chad broke up.
Tom: What happened? Why - why didn't they work out?
Summer: What always happens. Life.
matchy images from the same scene in no strings attached :D
i never said i was tired.
i'm only giving up because there really isn't a point in forcing you.
you aren't happy.
i asked you to do what you want,
wasn't that what you wanted from me right from the start?
but looking back at the shittiest week of my life,
i know i screwed up really bad.
and i'm doing all the shit i never knew i would be doing because of you.
when i got all worried about drifting apart because of school reopening,
i never knew it would be this drastic.
as much as i caused it, i didn't see it coming.
i suppose i pushed you too far this time.
and when i tried to set it right, i guess it only aggravated everything
and one thing led to another and another and now we're practically strangers.
and i find myself unable to live with that.
this is the part i hate. when my mind uploads a torrent of everything we did together.
all the millions of times we ran into cinemas, all the dumb arguments that always ended, all the nights we shot side by side at the range, but mostly apart because i couldn't shoot properly next to you. and how we were always the last to leave and got chased out of the range. millions of mornings during holidays where we went training, and the countless times we just sat at esplanade talking about our futures like we had a clue. then specific incidents. outside yishun range where we sat at the reservoir steps after NIS, and then by the lake during the chingay fireworks, then racing across the whole length of the chingay area to catch the last flight for the flyer, baking together a few times and discovering that our brownies were awesome but everything else kinda sucked, how you made an entirely new glider for my group without me realising, and of course physics. how you saved my grade despite winding up hating kinematics, finding out how you liked sweet popcorn and i liked sweet. that u ate dark chocolate and i ate milk chocolate. that i drank coke and you didn't. that your subway sandwich couldn't have onions and cucumbers and sometimes, olives. and then there's a bunch of concerts together. and there was nationals. i'd never been so down before, and i ran to the range and waited for you to come. i just had to see you. i knew that no one else could make me feel better. and how we both ran down to find our junior. and it made me realise what i had by me. someone i never really saw in anyone else. someone i was trying to find since i started reading and watching romantic crap. someone i actually really loved for the first time. i was given the best thing yet in my life and i screwed it up.
and well, i'm sorry.
but before you try to pin something onto this apology as well,
don't.
there isn't really anything else to it.
i'm just sorry. that i did this to us, that we are like that now.
that i allowed myself to fall this deep in. that i had to find out the hard way.
that i made you upset. that i pissed you off.
i know you don't read this space anymore.
and i know you're really busy with everything going on now.
it's really not that i can't give you time or something.
it's just that frickin the universe doesn't make sense when we are apart.
going training on friday was a bad mistake.
the minute i reached the auto doors, i realised that all it did was remind me
of how this place used to be our life.
i didn't see this coming.
i'm sorry. just plain sorry.
guhh. just sent out draft no. 3 with crossed fingers.
think there isn't really anything i want to say,
except that i miss you
and i want to dunk myself into formaldehyde
because that's kind of how life feels like now.
like i'm alive but not quite, you know?
suppose not.
):
happy youth day everyone, i guess.
"Well Sam, we're going to be friends forever and ever, as far as forever can go."
"But I don't think I can live that long."
"Well. Until you die, then."
so, i have a pile of tissues taller than me homework
because my nose won't stop leaking like some stupid leaky tap.
probably covered in my own germys.
sifting through homework feeling sorry for myself
and how ironic is it that tmr is temp taking? O:
flu meds kicking in soon which means i'll get super drowsy and float around in a hazy cloud.
and answer stupid shit when people talk to me.
hehe.
yaaaaaawns.
first day of school didn't feel like the previous times.
just felt like it was the start of the end of our lives again.
waiting anxiously for senior high manz.
don't care that it's harder or whatever, i just wanna get rid of all my sciences
become one of those weird/ strange art students.
skippy yay!
but i did it anyway and i let myself down.
i'm sorry, gina.
i'm really, really sorry.
):
like, i'm no good at them.
like i don't even have to be in one to know that about myself.
think i turn into this other really screwed up neurotic version of myself.
then either i screw it up, or it screws itself up.
i mean, in general.
it's not like i've had much experience with romantic ones.
not really. but i suppose it's the same. but worst.
anyway. i'm a huge mess.
don't know how i became like this. don't remember much.
think i need a new hobby. or something.
so maybe it's good.
get back to school and become busy up to there and
i won't think so much.
besides. you were right.
i was wrong. but i wasn't only wrong, i guess.
i was downright stupid for believing my own words.
ha-ha.
just feel so sian and down.
and i think if it continues on people'll start ignoring me because
so much ): energy is radiating off me.
it really isn't pms.
you know something?
sometimes i'd rather it were, then i know what to blame, and
mostly, i know it'll pass eventually.
this one's been here for about two months now.
i feel like i need to punch a wall but
that's dumb. why do people even do that if you don't live in hollywood
where the doors can be kicked open and the glass windows shatter really easily
and the furniture breaks all the time in fights.
i hate when they fight indoors especially when the house is so pretty.
like wtf, take your differences outside
and trash like the bush or something.
but that's not the point.
guhhhh. you know how they say after every rain comes a rainbow?
WRONG AGAIN.
doesn't happen.
UGH I HATE THE WORLD
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE WORLD
GAHHHHH.
you have stolen my heart.
screw fridays i hate fridays.
this one at least.
duh i have not completed my homework
and duh i don't want to go back.
teeny bit of good news,
after draft no. 3 i think i finally found something
worth writing about.
might have pissed my teacher off in the process,
i dunno. it's hard to tell since he always sounds all formal.
re-watched burlesque today just for cam gigandnet (pronounced ji-gon-day with a french accent btw)
HE IS SO HAWT OMGWTFBBQ.
O:
in priest, burlesque, never back down, the roommate
but not so much in easy A. looked cute as ever but i hated his character.
but still.
ZOMG, GO GOOGLE HIM AND STARE AT HIM ALL DAY!
happy friday, everyone!
:D
i'm goinggggg to get chopped up into little pieces by my teeeeacherrr!
haven't sent (or edited, for that matter)
that thing that was due 3 days ago.
then i felt bad and told him i would do so by today.
i mean it's kind of 12.56am.
so annoyed by it, wtf.
hope that once i start writing the rest will juz flow out you know??
actually no, not really. that doesn't actually happen.
i wish inspiration grew on trees. ):
anyway, i'm starting on it soon.
like, now.
two more days D: think i'll wake up early to watch a movie tmr
then head out.
dunno if i should watch juno or 500 days of summer again.
maybe something with action. like red.
and you know nobody told me meg fox won't be in transformers dark of the moon
WHY?!
i thought they might change the plot or something a little but no,
it's sam's new love interest. like anyone who watched 1 or 2 could allow that.
wtf )':
and ohmygosh i need to pee really badly.
1.04 am. I PROMISE I WILL SEND IT IN BY TONIGHT CROSS MY HEART MY FINGERS MY WHATEVER ELSE THAT IS CROSS-ABLE.
i set fire to the raini threw us into the flameswhere i felt something die, 'cause i knew thatthat was the last time, that was the last time.- Adele, set fire to the rain
anywayz, so happy that this is her new single at last!
YAY GOOD STUFF. :D
how do i say i'm sorry cause the word is just never gonna come out
V.S.
awh i don't know about you
but i'm with aston kutcher on this one.
):
ranty post you have been warned i suppose.but im guessing whoever reading this has unfinished holiday homework
so.
this would be a better waste of time :D
just sayin'.
haha sometimes i'm up wondering if i expect too much.
which we shouldn't. i guess.
one more week to go
remember waking up and dragging myself to national library
and then staying until they close.
became kinda sucky so one night i didn't feel like going home
and wandered around the cbd area.
i don't know luh, i love being there at night even though
fine i got lost a bit but i just gave up trying to make sense of it
and walked towards the esplanade.
stoned there for quite long.
surprisingly enough, i like being by myself sometimes.
i mean, it felt weird going to that place alone.
the thing is, straight after you leave,
you just feel downright shitty because
i don't know! the magic wears off or something.
haha, for the lack of a better description.
i can't really describe how much i love sitting on the steps seriously.
i love that place like crazy.
and returning to normalcy makes you feel really awful.
all the deadlines and reminders and expectations go back onto your shoulders.
yeah, like that. it sucks.
firstly, i seriously don't think i can. write and rewrite that script.
i really hate that it's the first time i actually don't like what i've written,
and just. don't feel like reading or re-reading it over again.
i don't know. he wanted it last night.
i haven't written a new word in simply because i don't know how.
classic.
dug a hole for myself and i can't climb out, great job._.
sis will be going away to nus hostel soon.
it's going to suck, i know it.
it's having someone awake at 2 am when you can't do chemistry
or you need to rant.
i don't know luh, but i really hope uni won't pull us apart
that would suck. we have all this plans to travel southern france, haha.
anyway, she can't even take it when i'm away for a week on camps,
but we're talking about having a room each,
might be a good thing though, since we all sleep at weird hours.
hoping to maybe paint my room yellow or pink
and stencil in lamposts and flowers and girly shit.
and hopefully get my own carpet zomg!!
to roll around in.
haha can't wait :D
also. you know, it's not that funny how we're all growing up and moving on.
how you waited till you actually saw me before talking.
then i couldn't help imagine if we didn't meet,
then duh you wouldn't have talked.
not trying to be annoying and read into it,
but just saying.
that we had differences i didn't want to confront and well,
i don't know.
i do know that you don't actually miss me.
where did that even come from?
it really doesn't matter anymore. maybe last time.
but to be honest, not really anymore.
it's not that i'm being weird
maybe a little.
fine maybe a lot, but they were all good intentions, i thought.
but i just didn't want it to come to a time
where everything flew right past and i can't remember what happened.
which happens a lot but that's not the point.
started recording everything that happened down this year.
figured i should go with good and bad stuff.
anyway february, march and april were the best months.
may was quite f-ed up though.
sometimes i get worried.
okay i get worried all the time but not always this.
i think.
it just seems to me as if it's downhill-ing.
and the feeling is shitty, no need to elaborate on that.
i suppose that's how it works, according to that strangers, again video.
not that it will end up the same, but still.
there's something i always love to hear about,
people who have been together for years.
haha, i'm a sucker for these kind of stories.
the whole idea of knowing all the small details about someone,
like how the details may seem insignificant, but actually are not,
am i making sense?
gah nevermind. reminds me of what natalie portman said in no strings attached,
something like: It's just... If we were in a relationship I'd become a weird scary version of myself, and my throat starts constricting, the walls start throbbing, it's like a peanut allergy. It's like an emotional peanut allergy.
i'm not really allergic to peanuts. but i don't like them anyway.
the point is,
well actually i don't have a point. just a lot of jumbled up thoughts.
something i do quite obsessively is writing down
well, not just anything. i have a small black book for that,
and i just write happy stuff mostly. feelings.
(note. not a diary whatsoever._. blehhh)
how i didn't want anything to end or change and stuff.
like my own today i lived thing.
then recently, when i looked up from my work and saw it there
leaning against my calendar, i couldn't take it
because i didn't have anything i could write inside that was truthful.
truthful about me being happy as before now,
all that bullshit that i'm really good at conjuring up, i've realised.
anyway i guess i only dare to say this because i don't think you read this space anymore.
but all this have to go somewhere or i think i will have a concussion
for having the same repeated thoughts over and over.
oh is that possible ):
so, yeah.
this goes back to the start where i said that
i think i expect too much sometimes and maybe that's the problem right?
so if you stop expecting, you stop feeling shitty and it solves it.
besides, we are all so terribly busy.
anyway. i really hope it will go past december to the new year,
because last year's countdown with all that music and fireworks and stuff,
well i really want you to see that.
it was really nice, so i hope we can countdown together this year.
i have all these stupid dreams.
but vivid. it's like dreaming in hd.
something happens,
sometimes you leave, sometimes someone takes you away,
i always wake up too soon.
anyway it doesn't matter,
i can never remember how they end.
but okay deal with it, gina.
you have assignments to do.
drowning yourself in work doesn't actually help, by the way.
but we just say it does so we can sound all hardworking.
anyway, here's the script (as in the band ._.),
If you're standing with your suitcase
But you can't step on the train
Everything's the way that you left itI still haven't slept yet
And if you're covering your face now
But you just can't hide the pain
Still setting two plates on the counterBut eating without ya
If the truth is you're a liar
When you say that you're okay
I'm sleeping on your side of the bedGoing out of my head now
And if you're out there trying to move on
But something pulls you back again
I'm sitting here trying to persuade youLike you're in the same room
And I wish you could give me the cold shoulder
And I wish you could still give me a hard time
And I wish I could still wish it was over
But even if wishing is a waste of time
Even if I never cross your mind
that would suck a lot i guess.
when the person's just gone, you'd even miss the fighting.
anyway, go and see the for the first time music video if you haven't,
somehow i really, really like it.
:D
But we're gonna stop by drinking our cheap bottles of wine
Sit talking up all night, saying things we haven't for a while, a while, yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears, even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time
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