you know i hardly like to use words like 'always' or 'forever', but today i'll make an exception.
(':
seeing them together made me realise how much we used to dream of all that when we were younger. it was simple but i don't know, there's something about seeing two people deciding to spend eternity together that makes you want to believe again.
but it killed us. i think. i don't know.
today, i looked at you and i just realised how much things were different.
but bad different.
no wait, not bad. just different.
anyway different scares me.
it was you in a whole other universe that i didn't have the password to.
maybe my nonrenewable membership expired.
i know it's not because of that huge quarrel because things already started to go down different after june. after nationals maybe.
see, maybe that was why. maybe shooting was what kept us together.
i think. i don't know.
i have all these stupid thoughts in my head.
so everyone has this four walls around us.
doesn't have to be really tall. but just enough to keep people out from certain places in yourself.
sometimes you meet someone new. sometimes it's someone you've always known.
you were that.
and then if you're lucky enough, they take a hammer to it and break it down.
and then you open up everything to them, and they see through you no matter what,
and you complain that it's annoying, but secretly, having them there makes you feel like
anything is possible.
you made me feel like anything was possible.
it was all the time spent together. all the spontaneous movies we were almost late for,
and the lunches and dinners and trainings or just going home together.
we used to do that. just go home together on days without training.
and then we stopped.
you're really busy, i know. it's unreasonable to expect anything from you.
but do you know that feeling,
when i have different people coming up to me, asking where you are.
why isn't he with you?
why weren't you with him?
where is he?
stupid. force on a smile and answer them.
i don't even know why i'm complaining.
but this is what's happening; i haven't been happy for a long time.
it's pretty bloody ridiculous.
used to call you everytime i was excited about something. stopped.
used to tell you really, really random shit about my day. stopped.
used to tell you everything, really. and you did too, i think. stopped.
used to be my go-to person for everything. stopped.
used to be sure of everything.
feel so annoyed. should be doing something more meaningful with my life
than sitting around thinking and re-thinking the past right?? ):
you said you were tired of us arguing. but look at us now.
we don't argue anymore, only because we hardly even talk.
this shouldn't have never happened. i cannot believe it did.
i cannot believe i would ever look at you and see a stranger.
i still know what you like, and what you don't like.
i know how you stay up and what you always do,
and i know your habits and your character.
i know your style of writing and talking and texting and
how you sound when you're pissed or upset or tired.
i know how to tell when you're in a bad mood,
or when you are hiding something.
i know what you will say in awkward situations or when you don't really mean it,
or when you do.
i know you.
back then, you let me break down your four walls.
and you broke down mine.
you know, today, when i sifted through the crowd and i saw you
and i looked,
well, to be honest, it was really nothing particularly special.
i mean, i've looked at you a thousand times.
the only thing was that, you were there, and i was here.
i wouldn't say i miss you per se. i mean, i miss a lot of things. i miss the teacher that i liked and went away, i miss the friends who went to different schools, i miss the relatives who upped to another country. but.
it's the feeling i miss. you were always around.
there wasn't really a me without you, and that was it.
when i looked at you today, it was different because you were so far away.
when i looked at you back then, i just turned my head because you were always beside me.
and i remember i would just be looking at you while you ranted on,
until you noticed and stopped and turned to me too.
maybe it sounds stupid.
or i'm being stupid. or it is stupid.
i don't know. nevermind.
i don't even know why i'm writing all this.
so today, wedding, class lunch then lit up.
finding abigail only won best supporting actor,
but i really didn't like what i wrote, so what can i say._.
hopefully the playwriting bit will be better.
fingers crossed.
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