Day 20, the person that broke your heart the hardest.
Day 24, the person that gave you your favourite memory.
Day 28, someone that changed your life.



there are many, actually.
many nights i will never forget.
today, i realised what you didn't tell me.
and i have you to thank for that, i guess. for not telling me.
for trying to find it back and save us.
but it couldn't happen.
finally understand what don't cry because it's over
smile because it happens truly means.
i don't know exactly when it started.
the times we first started going for training and going home after training.
many many many nights omg. we were crazy about shooting.
then it became sitting at the lane after trainings, still wearing our inners
and we started talking and talking that's when i really got to know you.
it was pretty much routine.
i would pump your cylinder for you without asking, you would adjust my gun stand.
you would just bring my gun to the lane with yours, and i would just grab anything else you left behind.
meeting you almost everyday 3pm at pasir ris during the holidays.
then eventually getting to know the gang of juniors
and started to actually plan stuff.
welcome party, haha. open house. all that.

really not about it ending,
but more of knowing how you felt.
or rather, didn't feel.
how it left you gradually and i guess you couldn't have helped it as well.
you were always there. like, in person. beside me.
and you didn't feel like just another friend.
you felt familar. your height, the sense of you being around me,
everything about you made it feel just right.
going to miss that bit, i guess. of walking beside you like i did for those millions and millions of steps.

of course, i'd never expected that one day,
the person walking beside me wouldn't just be a friend, but someone i would look at
and know that i loved.
the beautiful moments spent sitting by the esplanade when it was dark,
talking about our futures like we had a darn clue.
even when you painstakingly taught me physics until it was really dark
and how it paid off. and how happy i was. (thanks btw.)

then came the enslaught of movies. that period where we did it every friday night until we ran out of movies or patience. we stopped, but we still watched them every now and then.
you were so many firsts. the first to see me breakdown infront of someone, the first to hug me and tell me that everything would be okay, the first to drape your arm casually around my shoulders and used it to drag me around. the first to make me feel like this.
like love was simply love and what more was there to it?

i don't want to stop shooting.
but i can't decide if i'm going to be able to go in there
and be alright with retracing all our steps, but alone this time.
to pump my cylinder myself, to bring my gun to the lane myself.
i really don't want to stop shooting. i love shooting.
but, i don't know if i can continue doing what we both loved, and did together in the past.

the past. haha. didn't see this coming. definitely didn't expect it to come so soon,
just four months after my sixteenth birthday.
honestly, i don't know how it could just disappear from you like that.
but it did.
sorry for all the fights that i thought we got over, but i guess it just accumulated.
i need to thank you.
you were a friend. a teacher, a brother at times,
and you taught me a lot and not just physics.
and i have to say i love you in my stupid own way.

i really hope you get to read this, but i don't think you will.
well, if you do, thanks for showing me the world like no one else managed to.
the first time you decided not to go our normal route to the mrt after chingay,
and we found the prettiest place in singapore.
the first time you decided not to go for training like we usually did,
and we ended up watching inception which sparked of everything else.
when i get over this, i hope you're happy.
i mean, technically, you should be. you got out of our whirlpool.
well.
when i said i should never have gotten into this in the first place, i was wrong.
i don't regret it because once upon a time,
it was the only thing i wanted.
you made me smile. everyday.
i only wish i could do the same for you, now. but it might be too late.

so yes. if you read this,
i don't want us to be stangers who pass each other in hallways and shiver and
look away like there's a chill running through the room.
i don't want us to forget everything, that once made us happy and crazily, recklessly in love.
i remembered something i told you a few times before.
the only reason why i wanted for us to not be together as a couple
was so that i wouldn't lose you if we ever broke up.
i was fool-proofing our relationship.
i don't need you hold my hand like you did before or hug me against your shoulder
or wipe away my tears when i cry like before.
but before everything, you were a friend.
if anything still holds, i'd like that back.

if not, then just promise me you won't forget anything.
i wrote them all down so i wouldn't.
once upon a time, it was as simple as
i love you and you loved me too.

i don't really know where i go from here
because i didn't think this would ever come.
but i suppose like everything else, it'll be okay.
i won't lie and say that it doesn't hurt. it does.
a spot in my chest that keeps constricting.
waking up on mornings and not being able to breathe.
i hope you know that i will always miss you in this weird, dumb way of mine.
miss us. miss everything we did. should have done. could have done.
i want a lot of things now, but mostly, i just want to know that one day someone else might come and replace this hole you left.
thank you, so much, for the best eight, nine months of my life.

with love,
gina.

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