gunna tell a story.
today bel xw and i ordered in pizza at xw's house.
there were pineapples on the pizza.
i didn't know it was that effingshitwtfbloody time of the month.
and when i say bloody, there's a lot of pun intended.
and so here i lie.
just going to wait for death to come.
or my uterus lining to kick into action.
whichever kills me first.
guhhrgh.
but backwards?
:D
aep proj today,
starbuxx all the way at freakin' sengkang with ck :D
green tea frap is alright. won't try it again though, haha.
the LRT is freakin' confusing. seriously!
and freakin' cool!!!
i'm totally serious, it goes up and down like a miniature rollercoaster O:
at first i thought xw said farmville and-
okay nevermind. sengkang is pretty cool. farmway* by the way.
a lot of empty lush green fields
which will probably be sprouting with buildings soon so, whattheheck.
then scootched over to cbd for the night scenes.
it never disappoints, haha.
we went to the roofie at the esplanade,
tried to blow glitter off into the wind
but the wind blew in our direction instead
and we ate glitter.
we both were covered with gold glitter and
went home looking like we did a ke$ha concert hehe.
ugh i love singapore at night when it comes alive (':
and i realised it wasn't really that hard to,
for something i had put off so long.
the place was exactly how it was months ago when we went.
i guess i realised that it'll always be the same place,
with the same view. and the same magic.
but it's the people that's changed.
the people is always changing.
we never really stop. every time it was you,
then it became me alone. then i got friends.
i hope someday i'll bring someone there,
who would be as important to me as you were.
or maybe more.
you know, i saw something i never quite saw before.
the row of lighted buildings and the lights along the bridge and mbs
reflects straight into the water.
and somehow, i couldn't stop staring at the water.
the buildings were there, cut out in concrete outlines and all,
but it was the reflection that made the difference.
it wasn't clear, for sure. it was just a mass of bright forms
dancing on the water surface, and you couldnt make out what was what,
except it was bright. the tide broke the lines and it just bobbed on the surface.
the reflection made me stare for a long time.
i don't know, maybe sometimes we prefer the reflection to the real image.
not saying the mirror image kind because that'd be identical.
but rather, instead of having things or people upfront and clear,
we'd rather have the unclear, indefinite reflected image that isn't as substantial
but we don't care.
because we can't handle the truth, and we don't want to.
but the truth is really, really scary. there are moments when i'd rather be lied to,
then forced to hear the truth.
we all want to continue playing out our version of things.
the rose-tinted version.
the version where nobody cries, the version where we get what we want.
but then, it doesn't actually happen, does it?
however much we want the reflected image, diving in would kill us.
in the end, the buildings that people still go to, the buildings that still stand through history
are the real, concrete ones.
realistically speaking.
we all want the fuzzy image and the reflected shimmer,
but only because we can't handle the real one.
i think that's with love. and all that crazy shit as well.
reflected image is love at it's very best. the whirl of young heady romance,
the rush of the first times. but then reality check and you reenter the real world.
it's solid. and solid doesn't change for anything.
there is so much more to it. there's understanding a person,
and being there so much it doesnt happen any other way.
its not completing sentences, but having an entire silent conversation, but walking away feeling like you've had the most intense talk ever.
it's not squishy hugs that make you feel like nothing else matters, but when he knows you need it most.
it's not much of spotting him in a huge crowd, but feeling him there, and not needing to be with him all the time, but not forgetting about him.
sometimes, i guess the best relationships are not so much of physical,
but mental. like most of it is really what happens in both your heads.
but then who am i to judge, right?
my point really is,
that today i went back.
i saw how badly i wanted to get on with life (which i am, already.)
and i saw how much i lived for you then.
and how i wanted out.
that's one more thing off my to-do list, haha.
well, today, i let go of something inside of me again.
we really did find a beautiful corner by esplanade.
don't forget about it, will you?
go back if you have the time.
it needed us when it could.
but now, it still needs you there as well.
don't care. whatever.
i just think it's bullshit
that you don't want to wait until 3 and just leave
for 'personal matters'. well, next time before you lie,
make sure someone else isn't going to come tell me the truth first.
ugh. not that i shld bother because the y4s have always been like that, anyway.
at least the juniors aren't, i guess.
not much y4s left next year anyway.
it's really easy to smile and say you love your cca and all that shit
but when it comes to being willing to travel up and down
just for training, i suppose that really differentiates the shit-talkers from the ones who really mean it.
don't know how to settle club tee now since we can't make 50 orders
okay maybe i shouldn't have rounded it up for a cheaper offer. but._.
guhhhh.
):/
but srsly, i'm not changing it now
when i have things to do up to there.
so muchie to do tonight ):
settle the jar, then start on the rhapsody essay.
i guess we've got to give her credit for giving us an eliot poem
even though we all don't get nuts about it.
and how i didnt rly listen because i didnt think we would
have to write a bloody essay okay nevermind that's not the point
then maybe edit ze play again
it's pissing me off because i'm having random strands of ideas
but not collectively, u know??
still dunno about future.
still pissed at schoolwork and lyf.
and still feeling like i need 239827392 more hours of sleep.
yeah. nothin' new there.
wonder if i'll ever get enough sleep again, heh.
or is this the rest of my life O:
life isn't too bad.
a bit confusing. and annoying. like a stick up your arse, sometimes.
and then i'm really going full out with the i-love-me treatment
and eating whatever i want yumz.
like my happylemon row, and i drank for a few days straight
and twice on one night O:
just so i could cross it off the menu list :D
then gongcha but it's not my fault they opened in simei
and i fell in love with the gongcha green tea :D
(tried alishan and got reminded why i dont like tea guhh)
not a healthy habit because i either get full sugar, or 80% for anything.
also i really think koi's macchiato is a gong cha rip off which i kept saying but nobody thought so ):
but it doesnt taste as nice as gong cha.
i realised that koi isnt that overrated cos it's not bad
but i just hate the bloody queue. like, srsly, don't people have other things to do other than queue for koi ):
anyw for the gong cha one you can drink the milk and let the tea seep in from below
don't mix cos you get some weird milk thing that is not as nice.
anyw they have instructions on the cup haha
and it's omgwtfbbq like an orgy firework in your mouth.
also need to try the irish cream milk tea from parkway O:
and eat more anderson's @denmark after tuition, students pricez + free topping.
that's whipped cream and choco/caramel fudge I KNOW RIGHT.
also havent drank ouam milkshakes for quite long /:
and the subway raspberry cheesecake cookie which is DAMN GOOD imo.
tried the chili crab sub and well. uh. don't eat it cold ): but quite
interesting :D
(you know we say interesting when it suxx but you wanna be nice about it)
oh and i kept eating 我♥台妹's tofu fries on my way from nat library
then in aep had durian craving and wanted to drag xw along after aepz to geylang
but didn't. but we're definitely going after she gets well omgz i want :D
also the 7-11 waffle is rly not bad, considering it's 1 buxx and free topping sometimes.
if she doesn't burn it (which she does a lot), it's cripsy green pandan-y yumz
okie woah haha a whole para about food!
pluz, so many shows i wanna watch too:D :D
ughhh exams i hate you u r ruining my social lyf. )':
i'm kinda stuck between two places, haha. that makes a few more months till 2012 comes.
if only the world ended then, it'd make everything so much easier.
but nope. life goes on.
hssssmh. 4L.
4L is a lot of things, i guess. everyone arguably knows that we're different because everywhere you look, you see girls, and more girls. and in this, i've found out a kind of sisterhood that isn't really like anything else in the world. plus two guys who are so vastly different, from each other, and from every other guy as well. different good. we're the arts class, i suppose. the dramatic people. the literature students. but i've loved it since 3L started, and i guess i never really stopped. after everything you've been through, you sort of realise that 4L will always be there for you. 4L won't ever leave. there's always something about finding a familiar face in a huge crowd, and because it's someone from 4L, everything falls into place.
i love you guys. altogether at once, and then separately. individually.
after interclass, we trooped over to rach's place for dinner and it felt like family.
how we yelled over the television and laughed and laughed and
well, we don't need a lot to be happy.
we kinda just need each other.
same kinda goes for awc.
i don't want to have to give up that family, as well.
i don't want to give up a lot of things in my life, actually.
so.
guhh. i really don't know what to do, now.
if i should stay or leave and if i leave would i be able to?
i thought i knew what i wanted. i do, i guess.
i just don't know if i can do it.
i just know that i love shooting like it's a part of me.
and awc and 4L is the other part.
meh.
it just dawned on me suddenly. i mean, yeah that's what they do.
you see, i believe that everything happens for a reason,
and i finally found my reason in why you did what you did,
and for the first time in months, i actually feel hopeful about something.
okay guhh back to cramming for econs test ):
you were probably my incentive for staying.
among other stuff. but it was mainly you.
what i didn't expect at that time, of course,
was everything falling through.
but now that it has, nothing much really holding me back,
should i just go for it, seriously.
then i wouldn't have to decide anything about awc here.
and and they offer theatre studies and drama at h2.
went to read the curriculum and it's the most amazing thing ever.
keep reading and re-reading the a lvl syllabus omg.
i want x100000
that would solve everything i wouldnt have to do (gulp) history.
and i haven't missed the deadline.
and it's nearer home??
but.
guhhh. i can't really start to say how we are like
think i made some post back then about 4L being everything and more.
nevermind. so sad.
it's like going around as a class,
then looking at some random person and thinking
oh gah can't imagine not being in the same class as her next year.
)':
future suxx.
like seriously. so everyone's talking about their subj combi
know for sure 101% whut i'm going to do but
dunno which history or ELL yet ugh.
but the main point is to do all humanities so i can't wait :D
and then shooting. which i'm really trying x120000 not to think about
because every time i do i get really pissed or annoyed or upset
i want to continue so badly. it's like, the natural thing to do.
quite sure it'll kill me if i have to give it up.
and i really, really, really don't/ can't give it up.
guh i hate you for making me have this dilemma
it was going to be just right, we'll all just keep shooting until senior high
and everything would be just right.
gahhh. pissed.
really, why should i give up something i love so much just cos of you??
and then i think of the two years, and how different it will be from the last two years
and i'm damn scared of what i might do to myself
and i'm damn scared of continuing to shoot.
sounds so f-ed up. but sorry, that's how i'm like ):
i should really be 1. less emotional and 2. less attached to things. and people.
like how i really learnt my lesson this time and i'm going to make my wall super impenetrable this time.
dammit.
i love shooting.
there's just something about looking through the rear sight
and knowing you shot a good shot.
and yeah, you can actually feel it when you shoot a ten.
all that stuff i said about shooting before, i wasn't just making them up.
and everyone says do what you want, blah blah.
i want to shoot. but it's not as easy as that.
it's going to come with the consequences of facing you,
but all differently, now.
and i know me.
i know i won't be able too.
suxx.
kthxbye busy weekend )):
oh hello.
that's emma stone planning her imaginary sexual tryst in easy A.
aruuugh i love that show.
cts just over, which means eoys r coming.
blah blah blah.
cts was bad. the studying bit, i mean.
like, really the worst week ever because i hardly slept at all
and when you just try to drill stuff into your head knowing that it doesn't stay inside
and knowing it's only a small bit compared to eoys
which will kill us 3847374% more.
and not finishing your lit essay._.
awesome possum.
almost pulled an all-nighter for farking chemistry,
and also bio and math2.
think i slept about an hour then rushed to school
fmlz.
guess it'll be over soon. i think.
think i had a minor meltdown on wednesday.
yelled awhile then resumed studying.
anywayz, i suppose it'll seem better if i just look forward idk.
sounds so politically correct haha
but really.
juz 6 more weeks (??) of sciences and then
I CAN BLOODY DROP EVERYTHING AND TAKE HUMANITIES YESH
skippie-yay!
tried bailey's scotched almonds @ anderson's of denmark today w huiqi
only think cool about parkway is the food :D
damn awesome didnt get drunk or anything.
sorrie if the stupid background is blinding you
i will change it when i can b bothered to ):
lit seminar on saturday!
at least there's something, you know??
guhh.
i'm gonna turn us into a script
oh yeah!
(<
it's more of how much i'm putting off finding a new page
and all that.
thing is, relationships r lame.
they honestly don't last, so guys,
stop believing in it.
finished friends with benefits and
am positively sure i like mila kunis almost as much as emma stone.
:D
thing is, actually, that relationships r messy and dumb.
and anyway, forever is bullshit.
true love doesn't exist.
happy endings are quite rubbish.
soulmates and stuff are juz shit excuses made up
so people would feel like they r part of some speshul glittery club.
like, hey look at me, i haz a soulmate so i'm not alone and sad like you.
but not really. we don't need that. any of that.
we are perfectly content by ourselves, as much as that sounds like
trying very hard to reassure ourselves,
it's true.
i love me. and i know i won't ever let
me down or break my own heart gosh.
or go against my promisez (r dumb too) or let myself down.
so don't trust anything anyone says.
it's all very much in the moment.
they want you to get sucked into this thing
then they leave you dangling over a busy highway
while they make a run for it.
always, always always make a run for it and leave you there like
leftovers.
honestly, we don't need anyone.
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