hearts beat fastcolours and promiseshow to be brave?how can i fall in love when i'm afraid to fall?but watching you stand alone,all of my doubtsuddenly goes away.- A Thousand Years, Christina Perri
2011
it's twenty days to christmas.haven't decided if this should be a twenty-eleven look back on all the shit i did type of post.
2011 sucked. and then some.
i learnt a lot. i lost count of the number of times i gave up hope, i gave up on myself.
i lost count of all the times laughed till i cried,
or cried until i had to laugh at myself for being atrociously ridiculous.
i lost count of who came and who left and who stayed.
i lost count of the number of times you had to watch me cry.
i lost count of the nights i lay awake just worrying.
i lost count mostly because i was too tired to keep track, anyway.
spent the whole night reading my archives over and over.
it's december, the new year is starting soon,
and for the first time again, i'm going to sleep smiling into my pillow.
if there's something i've learnt about love and life, it's that we spend all our lives trying to understand it, and mark its course, maybe even predict it.
but it takes us by surprise every time.
and i can safely say that it's the most beautiful feeling in the world,
looking at someone and seeing the way they look at you.
like gravity, maybe. or like stephanie meyer once said, like a blind man seeing the sun for the first time.
so why does shit happen?
i guess only because so much better comes out of it.
marilyn monroe, sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall in place.
so get this, 2011 was the hardest year of my life.
but if i surgically remove all the sad bits, it might have been the one where i laughed the hardest,
where i held on the hardest.
where i looked at someone and believed again.
i'm not all for jumping back in knowing that something could hurt you.
that's like climbing out of a pool of glass with cuts running everywhere,
and then turning around and jumping back in again.
until now.
i guess i've just came to realise that sometimes you just know.
when someone gives you so much, you find it impossible to doubt anything,
however far-fetched it may sound at that time.
sometimes, you just know.
and for the first time in my life, i'm not going to over-analyse anything.
i'm not going to worry about the future.
i feel like a completely different person than who i was in december 2010.
where back then, i had everything i know.
when i didn't know how hard my heart could break.
where i didn't know of mornings waking up, and being unable to breathe.
and definitely, definitely didn't know that i was able to get through it all, as well.
well, that's what happens with life i guess.
we get in, we grow up, and we get hurt and we learn things the hard way a lot.
but then we grow up some more.
but sometimes, if we're really lucky, we don't have to do it alone.
xxx
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