but you say i'm lucky to love something that loves me.
back from obs,
survived, went through so much with marshall,
and i love them all so much
because we went through all four stages and reached the end
and became a performing group
after the longest (and only, actually) bloody trek of my lyf.
and everyone used the same fork when we passed the messtins around._.
think unpitching tents in pitch dark was the coolest, though.
and the millions of ten pegs we thought we lost in the soil
because in the dark everything looks like twigs and branches on the floor wtf.
it's just really nice to see how a group of complete strangers end up laughing like we've known each other for years.
so it turned out great and we didn't even have to shit in treez or anything.
guess we cried when sham cut all our ropes on the last day after winding it around our fingers.
saying what, that marshall ends there, but we all live on and dunno what.
sad luh. really didn't expect any of them to leave such an impression.
honestly, at the start it was a get in get it done, then get out thing to me.
but now, ):
all the quotes, paraphrased.
and the stories that he shared when some were total bullshyt and others were inspiring.
sometimes i don't know how we do it.
quite amazing i guess, had zero confidence for the bloody long trek frm camp 2 to chek jawa then to camp 1 like wtf but then, it's kind of like a one more step , and after that
one more step.
then suddenly we reached and we couldn't stop screaming.
think we are rly over-achievers like what angelyn said
but anyway whatever la we somehow made it and got the apple crumble :D
which we helped him to make so no difference-.-
awesome people luh :D
angelyn for sharing everything together and going through so much with her hehe
shiyue for being demure but damn strong
ma kou for getting to know him better and he's quite cool
siyao for fussing about our food like crazy and belaying for me zomg
yihfang for being so helpful about everything and for doing so much with her
songshan for always taking charge and lol @ his ass abrasion and how we all imitated the way he walked
rongying for being super cute haha and super capable zomg
haipok who has amazing kayak- steering skills and high-fived me even tho all i knew was how to go forw
ard and for betty and veronica
ard and for betty and veronica benghaun for reading maps like wtf looks so zai with a compass and map and leading us all the way and i think he knows a lot O:
kaimin who apparently iz the background guy lol but anyw good @ crapping and helping out haha
yan lei who damn enthu about everything and keeping bouncing around to help us
enci who amazes me how high spirited she remains throughout the camp
then sham and jaz who appear serious and tough but we realised that they are actually full of __ u know. full of awesome stuff too.
love them all to the bottom of my little heart
awh.
learnt so much but i'm glad to be home, i guess.
._.
talked to my junior today and i thought about how we started out like that as well.
and i'd rather die before admitting that we have entered another stage or whatever shit.
you know, a while back then, someone else told me that it wasn't always about splitting the effort to make it work half half, or anything. we aren't supposed to mind if we are doing more than the other side, and mostly, i guess it's more of not letting go because you lose everything if you lose that person.
like how i lose everything if i lose you
and it's not some come and go thing, because when you've invested this much into something,
it's not about wanting something back, it's more of wanting nothing else but this.
i'm not making sense. and i know it's all ridiculous, probably uncalled for anyway and my gut feeling suxx big time because it never predicts accurately, but this one has been bothering me for too long recently for me to ignore it.
squeezy feeling there again except this time it's not a happy squeezy feeling.
it's the kind you get when you feel something, what, you might lose and if you do you know you won't survive? biggggg words, i know. but i just know i won't live through it.
i don't know much about anything else.
i don't know why i let myself so bloody deep into this even though i saw it coming eventually.
okay i know why. i didn't bother to stop myself because you trust that person enough. the truth is, i miss you. not in the being physically apart sense, but rather when you know someone's near you and something's changing, but you can't do shit about it. but my guy feeling sucks anyway. so nevermind about that.
probably just me overreacting and this is my blog so let me rant and screw off back to your own lives. maybe i'm not trying hard enough, i don't know. but there are days when i wake up to a blank wall and i tell myself to stop touching my handphone and stop ignoring the other people in front of me, and i do. really, i do. but there at the back of my mind, like some stupid broken dvd player is us on replay.
real flashing images that i cannot turn off and it really annoys me how i'm reduced to hanging on to the past like wtf how pathetic is that and i'm making so many grammar errors now i have to keep going back to delete and retype wtf.
you have to know that every bit of me hates to admit this.
i hate that i'm admitting this. admitting that we might have stumbled and hit a brick wall we can't climb over but we did it so gradually and quietly i don't even know if it's true and of course you won't say it is. but somehow i feel like we have. something's changed. i don't know.
yeah i say that a lot lately because i really don't.
and i hate being left alone now because every time i am, it's all i can think about and it's just frustrating like hell because this was exactly what i was scared of.
okay. if it was anyone else, this is the part where i make some dramatic statement that everything is through, and it's the end and maybe we should try to move on from it all?
but it's you.
and there is no fucking way i'm going to tell you that.
i don't care if we hit a wall now or maybe we didn't and i'm making one up.
i also don't seem to care if i get left as the only one in this because i am not going to let go like how no one would let go if they fell over the edge of a cliff.
it's not some crap like in the past where we jumped around finding replacements every two weeks, and swore it was love and then it didn't last and it turned out that it wasn't at all love but bullshit and forced laughter.
it's not.
this is me not caring who reads this but i'm saying anyway how important you are to me and how important this is to me and how i will never let you go even if it kills me. and whoever wants to see the end of us and just go screw themselves over because it won't come.
i don't always know for sure what you're thinking but that whole chunk of words is not that important. can you please just remember everything i told you after cs concert and well, even if things change because we've grown up again from another stage or whatever shit,
i'm not living my life without you.
because when i wake up, and i suddenly think of that. life alone without you there.
and it terrifies me.
really, really badly.
i'm so screwed up, heh.
but whatever it is i'm going to keep trying.
for us and for you and for every other thing in between that is important to us.
can't remember if it was to someone else or just losing.
but it was really, really realistic this time.
it's screwed up mornings like these when i forget what really happened
and for a minute there,
i'm terrified because i thought it was true.
):
OBS
please just don't make us shit in trees.
or a beaver come into the tent. or pick wild berries and
hunt for deers and monkey-ies or something.
shampoo. must pack toothbrush.
spongebob knows best sometimes.
:D
rachel: you're an asshole!ethan: yeah, maybe i am. but i'm the only asshole here who gives a shit about you!- Something Borrowed
well GUESS WHAT??
IF YOU THINK YOU CAN ASK ME EVERY SINGLE BLOODY TIME
YOU ARE WRONG.
YOU PRINT YOUR OWN FUCKING SHIT NEXT TIME OR FAIL YOUR ASSIGNMENT AND LET THE TEACHER SCOLD YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE INK-LESS LIFE.
I SERIOUSLY DON'T CARE.
JUST THROW YOUR PRINTER AWAY IF YOU DON'T INTEND ON EVER USING IT AGAIN BECAUSE YOU JUST WANNA LEECH INK OFF PEOPLE.
OR LEARN.HOW.TO.SHIT.INK.YOURSELF.
THEN YOU CAN SHIT INK ALL DAY AND PRINT ALL THE SHIT YOU WANT AND WON'T COME AND ANNOY ME TO PRINT YOUR SHIT FOR YOU
BECAUSE
I
WON'T.
END OF MY SHITTING INK CAREER.
GO FIND SOMEONE ELSE STUPID ENOUGH TO LET YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF.
after the rain.
now that you mention it, the pink dude looks horribly weird.
rain's over.
SUNSHINE! :D
DAY SEVEN AND A HALF
Dear gpa,
yes. hello. about time we had a good talk.
about how i screwed you up, and how you're screwing me up now.
talk about getting back at each other.
i really don't like you sometimes, but you are important
and everything i do, i'm somehow doing it for you,
as shallow and superficial that may seem.
bottomline, is that i'm going to tell you that you suck and i'm not going to bother about you
until about a few months later.
i don't care. go wallow in your own self-pity.
i hate you for causing me so much misery in the past and now and whatever.
you are just a number, you little tweerp.
i'm going to squish you like a bug.
)<
gina
and uh, i'm sorry.
i don't know.
for the first time ever,
i don't know what to say but that i'm sorry.
I'm on The Edge of Glory,and I'm hanging on a moment of truth,Out on The Edge of Glory,and I'm hanging on a moment with you.
'You are beautiful, but you are empty,' he went on. 'One could not die for you. Of course, an ordinary passerby would think my rose looked just like you. But in herself she matters more than all of you together, since it is she that I watered; since it is she that I place under the glass dome; since it is she that I sheltered with the screen; since it is she whose caterpillars I killed (except the two or three we saved up to become butterflies). Since it is she that I listened to, when she complained, or boasted, or when she was simply being silent. Since it is she who is my rose.- The Little Prince
DAY SEVEN.
i guess i do think of you sometimes. not in the sense where i stop what i'm doing and smile to myself.
but rather, laugh at myself. laugh at us. a lot at us. how we felt like nothing could come between us, how we knew that it was all infinite and how we thought we were crazy in love.
we'd confused it for something else that wasn't love.
but we were thirteen and we made huge plans for our futures, that now seem small against the tide of the world.
you taught me a lot. not directly, but being with you.
kind of funny in that sense, because we made a full circle and ended up back as strangers.
you know, i still have every note we scribbled in haste and somehow managed to toss across the classroom because we were separated at either ends.
and the days when we we sat together and laughing at absolutely nothing of worth.
then it's back to our younger days when you looked at me and i looked at you, and knowing something the world doesn't.
you were always on my side. i missed that the most when i first lost you.
the world could hate me but you never judged.
in retrospect, i suppose you just didn't think of weighing the pros and cons, you just wanted me to be happy.
i was. much as it went downhill, there was a corner of my life where i never knew i could be happier and that's not something i'm likely to forget, i guess.
i wrote out our entire story in longhand. where we were the hero and heroine, and the bad guys all screwed their lives up and we lived happily ever after.
you read the entire thing after a while and told me that it will all happen.
but then, that's what you get when you're younger, i guess.
nobody actually keeps all the silly promises we made secretly at the corner of the classroom.
eventually, we forget.
maybe.
or we grow up and meet new people, and then everything just becomes a distant part of your past which you might relive sometimes, when the sky is quiet and you're alone and your mind takes a long roadtrip.
then, maybe.
but other than that, we got busy.
maybe it's a psychological thing, but everything in retrospect seems dumb and immature by comparison.
i suppose that's not always the case because maybe when we were younger, we were less afraid.
less afraid because we didn't know what there was to lose.
it was the first of the firsts and many other firsts to come, but it came first.
now i look back and wonder, what the hell was i thinking?
i do that a lot.
but then i realised, i wasn't thinking at all.
i was feeling.
with love from the other side of the world,
gina
dom and letty forever my favourite-est couple in fast and furious!
zomg.
was really ): when letty died in fast and furious 4, and couldn't be in 5 but then apparently she didn't but i really hope she didn't turn into one of the bad guys.
gah.
OMG.
or rather, i realised something.
okay the story goes like this.
last year, on the second of june during europe art trip at 12:17am singapore time which is evening in rome, i think.
we visited the trevi fountain.
which was huge and drop dead awesome.
this is the trevi fountain.
and at night which looks way better so i thought i should add this in.
but the point is, we visited the trevi fountain.
and this is me in front of the fountain looking very happie because we were going to have italian gelato afterwards :D
okay i'm counting back here. photos of the fountain and us in front of the fountain were taken about ten minutes pass midnight (singapore time), so it's quite likely that we arrived a little before midnight, and rushed to throw coins in.
well not just throw coins in, throw them in to make wishes.
it goes like this, you have to toss it over your shoulder, and something else i can't remember.
but essentially, you throw coins in to make a wish.
since our photos were after midnight, isn't it slightly likely that we made our wishes around midnight which i do not have photographic evidence and times because duh i was busy throwing coins in.
i remember i didn't have spare change so i used xuewen's. this is important too. you don't need to use your own coin, keep that in mind in case you ever go to the trevi fountain to make a wish.
so. i remember this much. i made the same wish three times.
with three different coins, i suppose. but it's a possibility that i made them at or near midnight in singapore. okay the midnight thing is irrelevant but it makes it way more dramatic.
but i think it played a part too.
i just realised like, a while ago that all my three wishes came true.
i mean, duh, because they were all the same wish.
but the fact is, it came true.
granted, after 329487394 months, but still, i am convinced that the trevi fountain really grants wishes and is that the most amazing thing, or what?
it's just darn cool.
okay. that's all.
thanks. bye.
IT CAME TRUE!! :D
)<
DAY SIX.Dear Stranger,
strangers, actually.
because so many of you went down that same path.
it didn't start out that way.
well actually, come to think of it, it did.
suppose we all start out somewhere as strangers.
i guess i just didn't think it would end up there again, but worst,
because we both know what we lost.
even more so, because i know it's gone for good but i don't mind.
not particularly.
this is for you all who, for a fragment in my life,
shared a little, special connection with me.
the one who i'm happy is out of my life.
the one who meant the world to me for a while back then but i broke your heart like how you did to me and i don't regret anything because it opened my eyes to the world for a while there,
the one who i gave so many chances to (and to be fair, you gave me too) and it may seem like everything's fine on the surface but i'm telling you truthfully now that it isn't because inside, we will never get anything back from the past,
the one whom i misjudged because it turned out that what everyone said about you was true and i was dumb for believing everything you said because i was supposed to be on your side then, but just know that you left for a momentary gratification and it wasn't me who left.
it's not that we no longer talk,
i guess we do, but we're strangers.
it's not like i reached this unreasonably,
haha, nevermind. we all grew up eventually.
but thank you for that point of time where we never knew we needed anyone else.
it came and then it left, but really,
the point is that at some point, it happened and i'm glad it did.
and strangely enough,
am also glad it's over.
because there comes a time when you finally realise that one person who makes you understand why it didn't work out with anyone else.
we all did.
love,
gina.
***
think it's the first time we all bothered about the elections,
because in the past there was no competition to chase
i don't know, i suppose it's good that people finally want to have a say
shows that we actually bother
but it's just bloody annoying how you can pin everything onto the pap
and vote for opposition just because you don't bloody want to vote for pap,
like that will solve anything.
i mean, it's stupid how you expect the government to tend to your every whim and fancy
or you will start complaining, if you have problems and insecurities with the way your lives are turning out then why isn't it your own fault? it's weird how you complain about the government not providing enough for you when you COULD have prevented this from the start.
it's ungrateful. i mean, i knew we have certain distinguishable characteristics, but i never thought ungratefulness might be one.
i suppose having opposition in parliment will keep things in check,
and yeah they did work hard for this but why don't they just think for the future, instead of trying to relieve their current anger towards the government and just because they were blinded by their emotions, they just forget entirely about the bigger picture?
so when that screws over, who you going to blame then??
i honestly don't see how any country can please every citizen.
it's not that pap is perfect, but do you really expect opposition to be better?
it's always like that and i hate it, how when in the face of a challenge, everyone just dredges up the mistakes, but give shit about what you actually did and did well.
i gotta admit i like nicole seah a bit more. not that i think she deserved to win, but rather, i can see why people are tripping over their feets to shake her hand. she knew how to win everyone over, and seems to be speaking from her heart (i guess), but it's ridiculous la. how can you possibly vote for someone entirely new over your own senior minister? and then knowing how near we came to losing our sm. like, wtf, so she caught your attention and respect for a while, and so it gives you a reason to bloody forget everything done for you before?
but still, she's promising i think. probably will go far idk. the point is it's not wrong to want to give someone like her a chance to prove herself, and yes she hears the people out and stuff (though we really shouldn't be worshiping her just yet until she actually does something to prove her worth), but really. we have all forgotten who lead us here and built the road we now step on to rally against them. actually, i suppose it's subjective. to your own views and blah blah shit.
realised that 'giving the opposition a chance' isn't a good enough reason for pushing off our foreign minister. why don't people think of the implications?? no, really. why!? we all couldn't believe it. my dad my mom my sis and i just stared at the screen blankly.
but i guess singapore has shown what she wants.
scared for the next elections, because if it cut so close this year,
who can imagine how the next one will turn out?
you wanted your change? you got it.
but if it turns out to be not as good, don't start blaming the government again because you put those people there.
and to mr george yeo,
RESPECT.
):
all this time - one republic
six on the second hand
two new year's resolution
and there's just no question
what this man should do.
take all the time lost
all the days that i cost
take what i took and
give it back to you.
all this time,
we were waiting for each other
all this time,
i was waiting for you
we got all these words
can't waste them on another
so i'm straight in a straight line
running back to you.
i don't know what day it is
i had to check the paper
i don't know the city
but it isn't home
but you say i'm lucky
to love something that loves me
but i'm torn as i could be
wherever i roam, hear me say
all this time
we were waiting for each other
all this time
i was waiting for you
we got all these words
can't waste them on another
so i'm straight in a straight line
running back to you
yeah, all running back to you
all running back to you, yeah
oh, every time is so far
it's just so far
to get back to where you are
all this time
we were waiting for each other
all this time
i was waiting for you
we got all these love
can't waste them on another
so i'm straight in a straight line
running back to you
i'm straight in a straight line
running back to you, yeah.
straight in a straight line
running back to you.
whole family camping infront of the tee-veee.
newspaper page C12 and C13 scorecard spread out on the table.
calculator and pen.
fingers crossed and praying like hell that PAP will win.
bring on the GE 2011!!!
:D
STRIKEEEEEEEE THEM!!
anyway, today! :D
going to wander.
and it's kinda funny how cam gigandet went from being a vampire in twilight to a vampire slayer in priest :D
but gosh. he's hot. liked him best in burlesque zomg.
DAY 5 AFTER MUCH PROCRASTINATION.
Dear Dreams,
You come in so many forms. from so many places. at so many times,
half the time i don't know if i'm chasing you correctly,
or sitting back imagining you take flight in a hundred different scenarios, a hundred different times.
i have many.
ridiculous, impractical, pragmatic, sensible, over the top ones.
i want to go as far as literature can take me.
and then come all the way back and relive the whole thing over again.
because i've come between a point of deciding that nothing makes me happier than literature.
even if something does, it's a different sort of happy.
this is the sort of happy that lasts at a squishy corner of my heart somewhere.
it doesn't really run from my fingertips to the top of my head and make my heart have premature ventricular contractions.
dreams. haha, guess they are there so we know what we're doing
and why we cannot mess it up.
i have a hundred different ones every other day,but they are still dreams.
dreams deserve to fly.
or at least don't keep them locked in an old jam jar with the
butterfly carcass.
put them at the window ledge and stare at them daily until
they decide they can take off.
dear dreams,
thanks for coming true. and that i'm still in it now and everything feels surreal like
how you would want it in slow motion to prolong the moment.
but at the same time speed it up because there is so much faith and trust and
understanding and cookie crumbs.
it's a pretty cool feeling.
not something you're likely to be willing to replace.
thank you for happening. recklessly.
love,
gina
physics chem tomorrow
think i will be up all night.
rawr.
but the good news is just to get past wednesday,
and i can deal with the rest.
):
physics and chem should juz go ___ themselves.
today was bad.
i mean, not oh-i-woke-up-without-breakfast bad.
like, your stomach rolling over and feeling sick to the core bad.
bad bad bad.
then it got better, i don't know.
also don't know why i was like that.
actually i do. but i don't know why i had to do that.
nvm.
):
i remember a period of time,
i think last year end, when we quarreled. a lot, a lot a lot.
about almost everything, and almost every night.
then suddenly, across the new year, we grew up, i guess.
but today it came back.
don't think anyone knows this but
i created angel from myself.
well. more or less created her, then sat back
and realised how similar we were.
in any case,
we both forget things. a lot.
but to a certain extent, it's true.
maybe when i was writing, i unknowingly wrote her
like how i was at that time.
the thing about angel is that she's forgetful.
and she's afraid of a lot of things.
and she's made some terrible mistakes in her lifetime,
and she really, really finds it hard to let go.
but then she meets jack.
start of whirlwind romance. blah blah. all that.
jack changes her life. she changes his.
now, jack.
has been hurt before in the past, so he's afraid too.
jack sees angel, and finds it in himself to worry about her.
jack never really made any mistakes, but he was wronged.
oh. wait. jack did. he never fought for what he wanted.
he more like accepted it as it came, and then left when it was over.
but now, he wants to go home because he's realised what he has done.
i wouldn't say he regrets it. he doesn't, really.
i guess it's more of getting tired of the journey.
you can't keep running forever.
but angel is. she's running away, and she'd packed her whole life into that suitcase
with no intention of returning home whatsoever.
then they meet.
it's like the demand and supply model in an economy.
the two lines intersect like an X.
at the intersection, everything's near perfect for a minute,
but then it continues rising in its own direction.
jack didn't end up with angel.
they knew they could have been great together,
but then, they couldn't, because their pasts wouldn't allow it.
the graphs continue rising, but separately.
i don't know if they'll be happy, but i know that for that moment when they were together,
they knew happiness.
think we reached the intersection. the ideal market price.
i hope it stops there, because if it rises any further,
we wouldn't be seeing it together.
we might be getting higher respectively, but it would also be getting
further, and further away.
):
don't know maybe there's something wrong with me.
like all the post-its and notes i write to remind myself are ridiculous sometimes.
things people wouldn't need reminders for.
i just like to write down every little insignificant, stupid thing,
to remind myself of me.
does that make sense?
nvm.
may 2nd, 2011.
made a stupid accusation. lost faith in us for a while.
had a nightmare. woke up and was never so scared before.
think i'm a horrible person. ):
shall connect myself to an electrical circuit and stay there until i fall asleep._.
will write to my dreams tomorrow, i guess.
sigh.
him during lang arts pw.
screw off.
all of you.
you see that bright thing in the sky?
it's the sun. the world revolves around it.
not you.
Love (and other crazy things).
i know i posted this peekture before, but it's like story of my life x 2039820 so here it is again.decided to wait until midnight and do another, because i kinda left it for too long.
but before that.
eds nite, zomg.
didn't really know what to expect, even though i watched it once before,
but yeah.
well. i don't know, this is what i do and i hope with all my heart
that i won't ever have to lose this feeling of picking up an ink pen and scribbling
on blank lines. only ever ink pens because scratchy ballpoint tips annoy me a lot.
anyways.
i suppose it has way more meaning now, because if i remember correctly, when i wrote
loveandothercrazythings i was in that cynical suxx2bme phrase.
but now i sorta understand it better.
took me quite awhile, but. okay honestly, i still don't get half of my play.
would be nice to let someone analyse it out for me. and we can do the whole
i-bet-the-writer-wasn't-thinking-of-that-when-they-wrote-it thing
over and over.
well. came a long, long, way haven't we?
but i'm up for it, if you are!
Jack: Bam! No more grey! You colour my life and-Angel: What am I? A paintbrush? -Jack: - and the world your canvas.
hey siz.
you're going away to uni in a few months and i don't know if i want the house to myself like that.
hard to type for you because i don't really know what i wanna tell you and even if i do, i probably told you already. i guess it's nice having an elder siz around :D because i try the food you cook and i let u drag me out sometimes.
in any case,
stopppppp hogging the toilet on sunday mornings )<
i luv you somewhere in above my blue angry bird.
love,
gina
eds nite is over ):
back to reality sighsighsigh.
DAY THREE.
hi mom. hi dad.
i know by comparison i'm the crazy other sister who breaks rulez and stumbles home near midnight and gets you all worried up to there and gets scolded the most in the past, but you guys really support me in whatever i do, i guess. like. how everyone thinks going completely into an arts stream is more or less suicidal, but you know that that's what i want and you asked me to, even. apart from incessant calling, i guess you guys are pretty cool for parents sometimes.
i'm just insanely happy that you don't patronize me and force me to GET A PLUZ FOR EVERYTHING OR YOU WILL SLEEP IN THE BATH TUB. come to think of it, you hardly see my tests actually. oh well. still remember when i was younger and i fell down, and you will say 活该 and i have to crawl back up myself and it was kind of )':
but in retrospect, it taught me to stand on my own, i guess.
can't promise not to piss u guys off anymore cos that would kinda mean not having a life, haha
but i guess i can promise to make u guys proud with something in the future.
that'll be cool.
love,
gina
IM SORRY I WILL DO DAY 3 TMR I FEEL DEAD AND I JUST WANT TO SLEEP.
):
ON A SECOND NOTE, EDS NITE TMR,
YAYYYYYY!
STUFF TO SAY.
LIKE HOW HE BROKE HER PROMISE TO SAVE THE RACE OF PEOPLE.
ENEMIES, EVEN. BUT HE BROKE HER PROMISE
AND NOW SHE'LL SPEND THE REST OF HER LIFE SEARCHING FOR HIM,
BUT KIND OF IMPOSSIBLE, I FEEL, SINCE HE'S IN A WHOLE OTHER REALM.
AND EVEN SO, HOW WILL SHE GET THERE?
HE. WILL KEEP MISSING HER WHILE HE RULES HIS KINGDOM.
HE WILL FIGHT AND RULE,
BUT HE WILL MISS HER.
SUXX.
but good show. :D
Dear Crush,
I like you the best among the other birds even though you are not the cutest
and is kinda crappy and splits into three even crappier birds.
But i just wanted you because you kinda remind me of myself, sometimes.
I guess it's not always about being the best, or getting that a plus (or three stars, in your case),
but rather, who will still accept you even if you know you are not as good.
even if you are losing out.
I like how you're sad instead of angry.
I like that you're not the best, but just floating along with the flow.
Even though that makes you a strangely misguided angry bird,
i think it doesn't make you any less of a bird.
Because you know that you may not be much, but you try anyway.
i think you are awesome and i'm gonna call you Blu.
:D
Love,
gina
You make my heart have premature ventricular contractions.
DAY ONE.Dear Best Friend,
You don't exist because i figured, what's the point of having a best one?
Then you'd have to treat them differently?
I mean, do you like them more than the others?
And then best means you only can have one among everyone.
So i guess i'm sticking to a bunch of close close friends.
In any case, the last one I had turned out to be an ultra bitch who deserves to eat worms,
who, oddly enough, thinks I like her too.
That was scary.
Love,
gina
- Day 1 — Your Best Friend
- Day 2 — Your Crush
- Day 3 — Your parents
- Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
- Day 5 — Your dreams
- Day 6 — A stranger
- Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
- Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
- Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
- Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
- Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
- Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
- Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
- Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
- Day 15 — The person you miss the most
- Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
- Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
- Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
- Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
- Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest - shooting LOL
- Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
- Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
- Day 23 — The last person you kissed
- Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
- Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
- Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
- Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
- Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
- Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
- Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
i mean, since my blog is crammed with tumblr stuff, already.
:D so exciting
shall start tomorrow :D
yesterday.
happy belated easter guys!
it's late ):well, not quite. 1:05am to be exact.
math test tomorrow. and a bunch of assignments due
which i have decided to rush out tomorrow in between lessons
but that's not the point.
i just wanted to say,
that nationals was just another little part of shooting.
and that i'm walking away from it.
well, not that it's any less upsetting,
it will always be, i guess.
knowing how much we put into this.
but i guess that doesn't make it a defining moment or anything.
it's just, over.
took me about a week to get over, but i think it's more or less welded in the past.
probably left a scar, but hey, aren't we all covered with those already?
realised i was a wreck last week.
and i wasted too much of my life thinking about something i couldn't exactly change.
and even if we could,
and lets say, go back and get that medal, would we really want it, now?
i mean, will we be truly happy then?
because honestly, i'm tired from the fight.
tired of seeing people blame themselves repeatedly.
tired of blaming myself, even.
tired from going back every few seconds to force an answer out of myself, why didn't we?
i don't know. funny as it is, i really don't.
but this is life! oh, boy. learnt the hard way to shut up and not question everything that happens.
and anyway, someone kinda told me that instead of looking at my eights and nines,
why aren't i looking at my tens?
which, well, changes things actually.
i still love shooting, doesn't change anything.
(i hate chocolate ice cream though. it's messed up. i really cannot stand it.)
it's just that, i figured it's over.
the national inter-school shooting championships 2011 are over.
not really a regret there, i guess.
maybe a few lessons.
in retrospect, i'm glad it happened how it happened,
because it's like we all kind of grown up a little overnight.
maybe we needed it, i don't know.
the point is,
it's over.
yeah. over.
(yessss a gazillion blog posts later and she finally figures this out!)
if you are that's what you're thinking, you are mean and are hereby banned from reading further posts.
go away and sit under the sink ):
Jack: I’m up for it, if you are.
Angel: Up for what?
Jack: Love-
Angel: And other crazy things-?
Jack: Yes, and other crazy things, yes.
up neeeeeeeext EDS NITE! :D
whoopie dee!
the minute you think of giving up, think of the reason why you held on so long.
all i know is you came to me when i was at my lowest.
you picked me up, breathed new life into me.
i owe my life to you.
i'm about to lose my mind,
you've been gone for so long,
i'm running out of time;
i need a doctor.
call me a doctor, i need a doctor, doctor,
to bring me back to life.
from the oatmeal!! ♥
ARGH MIND BLOWN.
i hardly even play but this is so adorable i want to scream zomg
:D
Fresh Orange Juice
She thinks of you as she watches the man outside
the Kingsland church whose clothes
are as white as a Turkish scarf.This morning there is mist, thick
over the city and to the Bombays, probably to
Turkey and you and the blue umbrellas
on the terraces and the geraniums like
flying kisses and fresh orange
juice for you — only ever fresh
orange juice because you never did
like the taste of coffee.There is Turkish coffee on this menu.
But her eyes pass it by
for something Italian and a
muffin, and when the waiter brings her drink
she stirs it and the teaspoon burns
her tongue.Across the road in Kingsland the man all
dressed in white — except for red
flecks that stand out like geraniums on his
coverall — pulls an empty pig from a van full
of trotters, slings it over his shoulder and walks
with it into the meat shop.-Chloe Gordon
i just find it fucked up that we're telling everyone all that,you know,
that we'll come back stronger, that we're always there for them,
so don't be sad because there's always next year.
we'll get them next year.
that we're a family and it's only a competition,
and we're so much more than that.
everyone seems to believe it. most of us are moving along,
some didn't care from the start, most just started to accept it,
cos what the heck, nothing we can change about it, anyway.
now tell me why the hell i can't bloody get over it?
it just seems stupid every time i find myself thinking about it.
stupid because no one should harp on something for that long.
and i don't even feel like telling anyone because it just seems like the same old boring story,
if it hasn't already annoyed them before.
have completely no idea how to explain it, at all.
all i know is my heart broke when i saw the results,
i just, i don't know, apologised over, and over to them.
they told me it was fine, don't read too much into it,
we don't really need a medal, gina, calm down, really.
but i couldn't, because it's like something you've fought for forever
being thrust into your grip and yanked away.
hard.
and funnily enough,
the same bloody thing happened three times in a row for three consecutive days,
you tell me how to get over something like that?
you don't.
you don't, you can't, you won't.
you don't just accept it and smile and get on with life.
you don't because it was supposed to be yours for the taking, and knowing you came close just amplifies the pain a few hundred folds.
and probably you don't want to hear me rant about it anymore,
same old story, really.
there's nothing new about it.
except i don't quite know how it still feels so fresh every time i go back and think about it.
this is the part where we make sure everyone is happy, and moving on.
but inside, we know that we'll never, ever get over it ourselves.
at least i know i won't.
feel ridiculous for feeling like this.
but i really, really want another chance.
so please, please just let me have a team next year.
pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease, dammit.
at the end of the day,
you come to realise a lot of things.
i guess, it doesn't seem so suffocating anymore.
and i just feel like i've learnt so much in these 3 days.
figured in the end,
air weapons is not about nationals.
it really isn't.
realised that we have reduced the sport to this one competition.
say that we would trade all our medals just for this one.
say that if we don't make it here, we're as good as gone.
say that everything we have been doing, was for nationals.
truth be told, i lived by that too.
nationals was everything to me. thought i had lost it all.
might have almost made rash decisions in that whirl.
then tuesday night.
i don't know, but tuesday night really snapped me out of everything.
it just suddenly hit me that awc is so much more than one competition.
we are the people who travel across the country to train,
who sit out at the platform and no other school dares touch it because it's ours.
who play cards until coach comes and chases us,
who messes up the inners and shoes and piss the seniors off a lot, but in the end
we grit our teeth and fold them back properly for our juniors.
the ones who cramp up the entire bus when we mass transport weapons,
then block the pathway to safra range when we kill each other with werewolves.
it's not that we can just classify shooting into the nationals.
shooting is so much more but
i can't really tell you what it is, only what it feels like.
it feels like home.
it feels like nothing else matters when we're shooting.
maybe.
maybe we lost it out narrowly in nationals.
but really,
what have we won, instead?
you be strong, now.
even though it seems like you never knew things would screw up so badly.
and somehow you want it to be your fault,
but they really need you now.
all the juniors, the seniors, maybe even.
we need you to hold everything together until it's over.
and then while you watch out for everybody,
i promise i'm watching out for you.
nobody could have predicted anything,
but mostly, nobody could have known what should have or not been shot.
all we know is that the target cards all have holes in them.
i promise things will get better, somehow.
i can't tell you what it really is, i can only tell you what it feels like,
and right now,
there's a steel knife in my windpipe,
i can't bloody breathe.
one of those things that keep coming back. don't feel like repeating it to anyone.
so many people would ask how it was
smile and say it went okay,
but did you win? lost by two points.
said it so many times it's kind of become hard to believe.
see people giving out leave forms for thursday. statuses about it.
congratulations. you guys did awesome.
and you feel really, really stupid that all that matters.
but it does.
at the end of the day,
shooting is about three digits. i don't know why,
but tell me who doesn't think of it in that way?
so just stop telling me that it's going to be okay,
or asking me for that matter.
i'm not. once and for all, i'm not okay.
i don't think i'll ever be okay again.
and as superficial and stupid and selfish it seems to be harping on this,
you have no idea.
it's not that i'm trying to stretch it and make it sound sympathetic,
so more people will come up to me and pat my shoulder,
and tell me that it's just one competition, you'll do better next time?
i know. okay? i know.
it's not about doing better next time.
it's about how we didn't get it this time.
and yes, it is that.
i have never, i swear. i have never been like this before.
not when some idiot stole my handphone and wallet in secondary one.
not when i screwed up my tests,
not when i did some other shit that got me in trouble.
never.
and i have no bloody idea how to deal with it because it just keeps coming back
and when it does, it comes back in waves.
huge, tsunami types. washes over you and suddenly, all the positivity that was heaped onto you just disappears.
i will never be okay. so stop telling me to be.
it's not like i particularly enjoy sitting around ranting something i can't change.
you know that this nationals would have defined everything.
all i know is that we could have should have would have.
i have no idea how i'm going to pick myself off of this.
and for the first time, i don't have a plan for this.
i don't have a post-it with a list.
i don't have anything, actually.
seems like a whole other universe away.
we are all shooters,
but when we watch out for others,
who's watching out for us?
days like these when you stop searching under your bed for monsters,
when you start to realise,
the monsters are all in us.
i'm really, really sorry.
i'm sorry for complaining so much about it.
i'm sorry for telling everyone the same old shit.
i'm sorry for being the worst company now.
i'm sorry to all the people who think i should just get over it.
i'm sorry to everyone who tried to make me feel better.
i'm sorry for the eights. and nines that should have touched tens.
i'm super sorry for being suck a wreck yesterday and today.
i'm sorry, gina. for screwing up the very thing you believed in.
i'm sorry, i'm still thinking about it non-stop.
but mostly and i'm just sorry, yulian. i'm really, really sorry. and i want you to know that you are a great shooter, and you will do it tomorrow at nationals, and you will get what you want with your team, and you've worked so hard for this you deserve the best and don't stop believing and just keep in mind that feeling you had when they put the medal over your neck, or when you roll back an inner ten, or when your coach smiles at you and nods. or the times we ran out of the range at nine forty five pm. tomorrow, do your best and believe that your best is enough. you can do it, captain.
you can. and it will be enough.
no matter what it is, if i'm even entitled to say this,
i'm proud of you too.
i'm sorry.
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