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but you say i'm lucky to love something that loves me.

back from obs,

survived, went through so much with marshall,

and i love them all so much

because we went through all four stages and reached the end

and became a performing group

after the longest (and only, actually) bloody trek of my lyf.

and everyone used the same fork when we passed the messtins around._.

think unpitching tents in pitch dark was the coolest, though.

and the millions of ten pegs we thought we lost in the soil

because in the dark everything looks like twigs and branches on the floor wtf.

it's just really nice to see how a group of complete strangers end up laughing like we've known each other for years.

so it turned out great and we didn't even have to shit in treez or anything.

guess we cried when sham cut all our ropes on the last day after winding it around our fingers.

saying what, that marshall ends there, but we all live on and dunno what.

sad luh. really didn't expect any of them to leave such an impression.

honestly, at the start it was a get in get it done, then get out thing to me.

but now, ):

all the quotes, paraphrased.

and the stories that he shared when some were total bullshyt and others were inspiring.

sometimes i don't know how we do it.

quite amazing i guess, had zero confidence for the bloody long trek frm camp 2 to chek jawa then to camp 1 like wtf but then, it's kind of like a one more step , and after that

one more step.

then suddenly we reached and we couldn't stop screaming.

think we are rly over-achievers like what angelyn said

but anyway whatever la we somehow made it and got the apple crumble :D

which we helped him to make so no difference-.-

awesome people luh :D

angelyn for sharing everything together and going through so much with her hehe

shiyue for being demure but damn strong

ma kou for getting to know him better and he's quite cool

siyao for fussing about our food like crazy and belaying for me zomg

yihfang for being so helpful about everything and for doing so much with her

songshan for always taking charge and lol @ his ass abrasion and how we all imitated the way he walked

rongying for being super cute haha and super capable zomg

haipok who has amazing kayak- steering skills and high-fived me even tho all i knew was how to go forw

ard and for betty and veronica

benghaun for reading maps like wtf looks so zai with a compass and map and leading us all the way and i think he knows a lot O:

kaimin who apparently iz the background guy lol but anyw good @ crapping and helping out haha

yan lei who damn enthu about everything and keeping bouncing around to help us

enci who amazes me how high spirited she remains throughout the camp

then sham and jaz who appear serious and tough but we realised that they are actually full of __ u know. full of awesome stuff too.

love them all to the bottom of my little heart

awh.

learnt so much but i'm glad to be home, i guess.

._.

talked to my junior today and i thought about how we started out like that as well.

and i'd rather die before admitting that we have entered another stage or whatever shit.

you know, a while back then, someone else told me that it wasn't always about splitting the effort to make it work half half, or anything. we aren't supposed to mind if we are doing more than the other side, and mostly, i guess it's more of not letting go because you lose everything if you lose that person.

like how i lose everything if i lose you

and it's not some come and go thing, because when you've invested this much into something,

it's not about wanting something back, it's more of wanting nothing else but this.

i'm not making sense. and i know it's all ridiculous, probably uncalled for anyway and my gut feeling suxx big time because it never predicts accurately, but this one has been bothering me for too long recently for me to ignore it.

squeezy feeling there again except this time it's not a happy squeezy feeling.

it's the kind you get when you feel something, what, you might lose and if you do you know you won't survive? biggggg words, i know. but i just know i won't live through it.

i don't know much about anything else.

i don't know why i let myself so bloody deep into this even though i saw it coming eventually.

okay i know why. i didn't bother to stop myself because you trust that person enough. the truth is, i miss you. not in the being physically apart sense, but rather when you know someone's near you and something's changing, but you can't do shit about it. but my guy feeling sucks anyway. so nevermind about that.

probably just me overreacting and this is my blog so let me rant and screw off back to your own lives. maybe i'm not trying hard enough, i don't know. but there are days when i wake up to a blank wall and i tell myself to stop touching my handphone and stop ignoring the other people in front of me, and i do. really, i do. but there at the back of my mind, like some stupid broken dvd player is us on replay.

real flashing images that i cannot turn off and it really annoys me how i'm reduced to hanging on to the past like wtf how pathetic is that and i'm making so many grammar errors now i have to keep going back to delete and retype wtf.

you have to know that every bit of me hates to admit this.

i hate that i'm admitting this. admitting that we might have stumbled and hit a brick wall we can't climb over but we did it so gradually and quietly i don't even know if it's true and of course you won't say it is. but somehow i feel like we have. something's changed. i don't know.

yeah i say that a lot lately because i really don't.

and i hate being left alone now because every time i am, it's all i can think about and it's just frustrating like hell because this was exactly what i was scared of.

okay. if it was anyone else, this is the part where i make some dramatic statement that everything is through, and it's the end and maybe we should try to move on from it all?

but it's you.

and there is no fucking way i'm going to tell you that.

i don't care if we hit a wall now or maybe we didn't and i'm making one up.

i also don't seem to care if i get left as the only one in this because i am not going to let go like how no one would let go if they fell over the edge of a cliff.

it's not some crap like in the past where we jumped around finding replacements every two weeks, and swore it was love and then it didn't last and it turned out that it wasn't at all love but bullshit and forced laughter.

it's not.

this is me not caring who reads this but i'm saying anyway how important you are to me and how important this is to me and how i will never let you go even if it kills me. and whoever wants to see the end of us and just go screw themselves over because it won't come.

i don't always know for sure what you're thinking but that whole chunk of words is not that important. can you please just remember everything i told you after cs concert and well, even if things change because we've grown up again from another stage or whatever shit,

i'm not living my life without you.

because when i wake up, and i suddenly think of that. life alone without you there.

and it terrifies me.

really, really badly.

i'm so screwed up, heh.

but whatever it is i'm going to keep trying.

for us and for you and for every other thing in between that is important to us.

❤ "" was Posted On: Sunday, May 22, 2011 @10:16 PM | 0 lovely comments ✿

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