don't you realise we'll just be fighting, and fightingall our lives? it will never stop. we will never get to stop.
and then, there comes a time where you
just know you can't fucking breathe anymore.
the weight of the world lies on your shoulders and it's unforgiving.
the funny thing is that, when it finally lets up, or if it even does,
you've kind of long forgotten how to breathe.
it will never come naturally to you again.
you will never be enough.
why?
that was a pretty awesome moment when he announced it,
and no one was really expecting it, and we all wanted it
to get over and done with, then he said our school, and our heads snapped up
and i shoved you, and it was like 'you won! oh my god, you guys won!'
and you ran there and everyone was smiling so widely it hurt.idk, maybe didn't really show it, but was really
really happy for you, i mean, you wanted it so badly,
and you worked so hard for it and you finally got rewarded
and i suppose we were all surprised but still, you know,
it was bound to happen eventually :D
and it's going to be the first of many many many :D
so. congratulations captain!! you finally did it :D
what-ever.
it's not so much of a, oh-this-is-the-end, but so quiet we might not even realise it. because you are clearly unaffected, and i have became irrational, and hard to talk to. and there comes a point of time in your life when the ones you once thought important, no longer seem that way. because everything started and ended with the bitter- stuff we didn't dare say before. oddly enough, i still have the messy notes and the silly cards and the reminder of when the days were actually golden. so yeah. you kind of see the end coming. and you get so tired, and you don't feel like fighting against what is just happening. and we fall in love with a million different faces, and it reduces to a look-back-once-in-a-while, about a kid you used to stand up for, i wonder how life is for him? then i stop myself halfway, because i realised, that you don't care anymore, and neither did i. but it's alright. we'll each be okay, you know?it doesn't matter if you leave first, or me.
really, it doesn't.
._.
Sometimes the things you want the most don't happen and what you least expect happens. I don't know - you meet thousands of people and none of them really touch you. And then you meet that one person and your life is changed.
-jaime randall, love and other drugs.
blood and fire.
hope i didn't just make the hugest mistake of my life, haha.probably not, but still :O.
because i kind of
didn't see it coming and when it did it
hit me hard, and i used to laughed at the incredulity of it
all the time in the past, because it wasn't supposed to
happen this way, but i guess i know better now.
holy shit, huh.
heeeeeeell yeah breaking every single rule i ever made myself follow,
i just don't want to end up regretting anything,
you know.
so, declan o'callahan and i should probably learn your middle name,here is my proposal; i propose we not make plans,i propose we give this thing a chance and let it work out how it works out.so what do you say, do you wanna not make plans with me?(leap year)
well, do you?
and to all the mistakes i ever made in the past, that came back to haunt me and
tried to scare me away from this, SCREW THE LOT OF YOU!!
hereeeeeeeeee we go,
welcome to my frickin' teenage dream.
:D
scared.
a teeny bit.
like, in leap year where he asked her
when the fire alarm comes on,
and for that 60 seconds, you could grab anything you wanted,
what would it be?
seem like there's always someone who disapproves,
they'll judge it like they know about me and you,
the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do,
the jury's out, but my choice is you.
i can't live without chocolate, shooting, and you.
no one has the right to judge us because no one really knows what we've been through.tired):
they may have heard our stories, but they never did once felt what we felt in our hearts.
tgif, seriously. hello, weekend.
so weird, all the what-could-have-been(s).
those might just be the ones that keep you up the longest,
you know the words you were afraid of saying.
don't be, because if it were true,
it wouldn't matter one bit.
and have no idea why but
the second best feeling i could ever feel is when
i'm there and my gun is near me and
i look down through the sight,
and i hold my breath.
xx
do you remember,
the nights we stayed up just laughing,
smiling for hours,
at anything?
when the lights go out, we'll be safe and sound,
we'll take control of the world like it's all we have to hold on to, and
we'll be a dream.
for awc, for you and for every other insignificant thing
inbetween. because i don't know
what else i'd do.
well, actually i do but i suppose my head should stfu for this one.
i'm staying.
so cute, i know. a bit nuts about the whole enchanted deal, haha.
i want adam young for mye-self, taylor plz shoo):
long long long shit awful day. kept falling asleep infront of the teachers ):
don't know if i should leave because it seems like all the better options
but i don't know if i can,
the reasons seem so stupid and inadequate and i'm weighing both sides and
coming up with nothing.
don't know, though.
waits for the 11:11 moment every night, dumb as it seems.
i don't know, haha. somehow i guess if i keep repeating the same thing over and
over it'll miraculously come true, and anyway some stream of consciousness crap
that we did last year and mr ken said that if an entire hall of people believe in something
it's bound to come true.
well then,
i believe i believe i believe ( i think. )
i used to, then it became kind of ludicrous and i guess
i gave up somewhere along the way.
we all had to grow up eventually, you know?
like, raping the repeat button for bound to you because it
just shouldn't go unheard, it's beautiful.
:D
You're all I need when I'm holding you tight
If you walk away I will suffer tonight.
If you walk away I will suffer tonight.
Bound to You
frickin' a.
I never had somebody waiting on me
'Cause you were all of my dreams come true.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
haha, it was very pink and fluffy :D and full of nice stuff.
and there iz so much love in the air, it's beaaaaautiful :D
and you know,
in the end, peter pan pulled off tinkerbell's wingsso she could never leave.sometimes, love is just another way to bleed.
i don't know how he could do it, but i think i kind of know why, scary as it seems.
maybe you love someone so much,
you wouldn't stop at any cost. doesn't seem superficial, i guess.
love was supposed to be made of beautiful stuff, but i suppose sometimes
the scary stuff we are so afraid of showing is more important, you know?
i know, i kind of made many many shitty mistakes in the past and
even right now it feels like i'm squeezing my eyes shut and ambling forward haphazardly,
and the possibility of what might actually happen is so suffocating
and the risks and the whole bloody thing just seems daunting,
because in the past i somehow decided that i would be afraid of it to protect myself
but you know, screw it all.
it's like i know it might screw me up, but i want to, anyway.
want to. because i see no other way out of this and
it's like this part of me i never knew existed.
and suddenly it's here.
decided that i
want to step off the edge and learn to fly on the way down.
you, coming with me?
no regrets, just love.
at first i was like, what the hell did i get myself into?but then i knew.
chingay is overrrr and am kind of super upset about it, because
it turned out to be one of the better decisions i ever made, haha.
it was great great fun, sitting by the river and then sitting at the carpark and then
running around with the walkie-talkies and trying to kill someone who wanted
you to save her a balloon and running for the last train and running away to esplanade and
freaking out at the star wars clones, staggering home at midnight and feeding candy to the thing-which-is-not-a-frog.
his name is om nom :C
somehow coming to love this parade in a
funny sort of way.
jumping everytime they suddenly blew up the fireworks.
like how, we were near the water and the fireworks blowing up in our faces so near i swear if we stretched out we could have totally touched, or something.
and then letting a balloon go in what would have been a beautiful moment if
the stupid thing didn't get stuck in a tree.
and then running (protesting) all the way along sectors A B C to rush for the last flight
at the flyer, totally didn't think we would make it but
strangely enough we did,
and we kind of saw singapore from way up,
and everything kind of comes to life at night, i guess.
and you feel all sorts of strange emotions you never knew
you could feel.
it's being at the top of the world, you know?
and looking down on what could have been and what you did,
and realising, for that moment.
you know, there comes a time when you don't really need to say much
because you don't speak and it says so much more.
don't know.
but do you ever stop to think,
then forget to start again?
eh happy birthday, i guess. :O
even though, yeah. :C
but still. :D
tired. :/
and i'm sixteen!
haha so many people to thank, you know who you are
and i love you guys to death!
and also, didn't think i would actually fall sick
on my bdae + the next day and that suxx.
starting to recount all the crap i ingested this few days, haha.
happy cny, you guys!
holy sheets, i'm sixteen.
._.
why must it take a birthday for you to realise?
why did you have to wait until my birthday to tell me all that?
why not any other ordinary day?
why?
back to reality cny passed too quickly,but i think we did what we came to do.
i swear, i must have had eaten twice my weight in food,
or something like that, yumz. :D
tree and a half moar hourz, haha.
you! get well soon, geeeeez.
2am, who do you love?
Angel of Death: So, child, make the choice. The world, or him?
Liz Sherman: Him.
somehow hellboy and liz seems like the only superhero pair who truly love each other, you know?
not the superficial type, but the kind when they love each other so much,
one keeps going away to protect the other and messing things up, but in the end,
they always come back because sooner or later they realise that
they need each other in their lives
for it to matter.
besides, liz is totally cool with her fire, i really really like :D
you!!
i got hammer to hack down all your walls, hehe
or shoot
or use francium + water and blow up or something la.
i don't want to leave/ live without you so i'm going to block the door
or something.
with a chair. or something. (cos duh u need like, 7 gina(s) to fill up the doorframe)
chill, anyw. you were just trying to help, ok.
and even so u still have me *WAVES*
duh the sun will come out tomorrow!
or i will , you know, bring a torch light and stalk hunt you down
until i find you, HAHA.
then tie u up and grill you or something.
yumz.
don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground, it's like
no matter what i do.
/:
i think.
i mean, duh it depends of the guy and the girl and how smitten
they are by each other, but
you realise, at the end of the line that
most of the times we complicate things ourselves.
just
shut up and let it happen.
usually it's not boy meets girl, unless you r romeo
and he met juliet and what, three days later he marries her?
o_o
isn't it from those
you never knew you noticed before. i mean, they are there. in fact,
they are always there but somehow you get blinded by
other cows and ducks and bushes along the road that you
don't really notice them.
and then they leave for someone else
who knows what you failed to see?.
All I'm saying is, this one'sbeautiful on the inside too. Andshe won't be on the shelf forever.- Sean to Jack, Burlesque
thursday night @mbs for anna's birthday, it was really awesome,
seven7 deadly sins themed,
killer view from the room on the 36th floor, zomg.
but we didn't stay long after the crazy truth/dare,
you know, singapore's really pretty at night and
we trudged all the way out to the esplanade
and my siz stumbling in her killer heels, hehe.
seriously, the whole half of her skin peeled off and it's hanging there now.
had supper and talked a lot then, stumbled home.
tree (trunk)
more days to cny!
can't wait can't wait can't wait!
:D
You know what, you're right. We both should be thinking about our futures.And I might just be looking at mine right now.
this is our last chance, give me your hands,
cause' our world is spinning at the speed of light.
the stupid truth is that you mean more to me than i would ever
dare to admit.
and you make me break rules and, complain about the world
and cry like a loser in front of you,
and i scream at you a lot, you scream back sometimes,
we push each other away but we always come back,
and annoyingly enough, you know me a little bit more than myself,
you know?
it's weirdddd. and
it's more than being extraordinarily happy.
it's knowing you won't let me walk out of the door,
i think.
it's 2 a.m.
):
Just know I'm right here hoping,
You'll come in with the rain.
we have so many masks that we put on everyday that we no longer know which one is real.
tgif, seriously.
next week will be halved, though and that's cool.
finally cny, and turning 16 in less than two weeks, zomg.
sixteeeeeeeeen.
if i live to be eighty, that is 1/5 of my life gone.
nevermind. stupid post, just fyi that i'm still alive.
ugh.
flipping a coin helps, not because it helps us choose what we want,
but rather, the moment the coin flips up in the air,
you kind of decide what you want.
anyway you shouldn't let some scrapey metal chink decide for you._.
realised today morning (as i ran for the mrt)
going back to the past is not what i really want.
which is odd, because i thought i wanted to. but
then found out that, reliving everything in the past sucks because
you know what happens next.
figured that december wasn't the best.
i don't know actually. there isn't really a best period i think,
it's just all coming together and increasing exponentially
and admittedly, we had to yell at each other a bit to knock some sense
into ourselves. and somehow it was
necessary. not enjoyable, but necessary.
because now everything is different from december,
but almost a different-good.
but, nevermind.
TGIF, everyone!
come on, say that we'll be together.
party time! xx
she laughs at my dreams but i dream about her laughter.
ugh.really, really wet day today.
had one test after another and anyway wednesdays are the longest
days ever ):
so annoyed at myself. you know, it's like
you know you shouldn't be saying something, but you want to.
like, you really, really want to.
but the minute it leaves you, you sort of regret it.
in retrospect,
a lot of things i probably should never have said
because it was stupid and immature and
i shouldn't have. i really, really shouldn't have.
maybe i just want you to be happy for me,
even if you think i'm making a terrible mistake.
ok maybe not happy, but just not so utterly against it,
you know?
suppose you try to talk me out of it, but you know i won't listen.
well,
if it makes me happy, why can't i?
i think, because you aren't happy about it.
and well, don't you think you know who is more important?
):
meh.
tired from chingay, caught the last train home.
tried to fly today, but methinks i need more than five enormous helium balloons to take off.
they make it seem so easy.
when they bobble away into the sky,
you stop to watch it fade
away.
it becomes like every other star.
from the notebook,
they didn't agree on much, in fact they rarely agreed on anything, they fought all the time and they challenged each other everyday, but despite all their differences, they had one thing in common,they were crazy about each other.
ah well, goodnight!
you're an idiot.
so i'll be gone when the morning comes,
let's not pretend it's love.
no, really.
because you could have told me why.
but i have a feeling that this time was caused
by both of us thinking too much for the other and
that is beyond ironic and kind of funny, in retrospect.
don't know what happened this year,
but i really want it to stop,
or at least not let it be three times a week over various
reasons that we come to regret eventually.
because it happened before and i didn't see it coming
and i lost a friend.
it was the hundred of blows before,
and that the final straw that broke the camel's back, you know?
totally paranoid and unnecessary but i'm scared of losing everything we fought so hard for
because it doesn't make sense at all.
mostly, i don't want to lose us.
i know you said it won't come true but
that is lame because everyone says that all the time.
terribly glad i knew about it though it was dumb telling me, i agree.
(haha) but it was amazing even though it flooped.
thanks for asking half the world and that is like, the nicest thing ever.
what came after was not really. i don't know.
we misunderstand each other a lot, i guess.
wasn't angry for a step when i realised who you were doing it for,
tried to apologise and i'm sorry if i was too late.
maybe we're all growing up.
yeah. that happens.
i hope we won't change for the world.
that i won't need to wake up on a cold morning and
find something missing from my life.
because honestly, i'm only me when i'm with you.
talk about our futures, like we had a clue.
never planned that one day,
i'd be losing you.
aep today was pretty cool. she says it's the experimental stage
and that's always the fun bit. honestly, we were singing i whip my hair back and forth to that picture but i think it just looks like her soul is tearing out of her :(
didn't want to pull myself out of bed this morning. i mean,
what are the odds of turning over and
crawling back under?
but then i'm afraid if i did that, i would probably not
want to come back up again. life
sucks sometimes, you know?
and i could really use a donut with shitloads of happy sprinkles right now
or i'm going to shit a brick, i swear.
don't know if it's frustration or some
weird emotion caught in between.
either way, i feel like i'm all over the place.
muz chase after the pieces and collect them and tie them
back together.
sigh.
but with you, i know it's no good.
and i could wait patiently, but i really wish you would
drop everything now,
meet me in the pouring rain.
Jack: Yes. and if you love something, let it go.Angel: Bullshit, honey. you fight for love.
don't know. caught in the middle but mostly
pissed at everyone just a little bit. at the world. at myself.
at every other thing.
life as usual, i guess.
hiding away always works but i hate it like that.
i hate being caught in the middle and i really, really
hate knowing where it all came from but nobody is acting like
it happened, and i'm so bloody tired of it but
i guess i'm sorry. and can someone
just blame me already?
anyway,
realised how much i miss a lot, a lot of things. but then, at the same time we are doing so much more now. i don't know.
everything's different now, i suppose.
back when we claimed everything was perfect
in june because we were all in paris together and we felt like
nothing could tear us down. and it was stronger than ever and we
promised all sorts of silly things that
don't matter as much now.
i'm guessing we were slightly over-ambitious in that sense.
different weird. but i don't quite know if it's bad.
(nevermind.)
and i decided that you were more important than taylor swift.
and that it wasn't worth it to make the whole thing bigger. and
i've always sucked at fighting for what i want, anyway.
the point is, sorry for ranting so much, so many times.
and every other stupid little thing in between.
and because i don't know who else will understand more than you
even if you don't always agree with everything i do. but that the best things we ever do are the ones we don't ever bother planning. honestly, i don't know how but we'll make it work on that day somehow.
happy birthday, i guess.
what the xxxx did i do wrong, besides
putting in all i had?
and then i feel like an idiot for being
so calculative,
which obviously shouldn't be the case
but when something happens again, and again,
you kind of get the message to
stop trying.
#edit#
in retrospect, i should not have swore. but
i was terribly upset and robbed of rational thought and i just felt like
going under and not coming up for
air.
you know?
but anyway, thanks.
and this is so hard
because i didn't see,
that you were the love of my life
and it kills me.
(the best ke$ha with a dollar sign track, i think because the lyrics keep me up all night.)
and mid-week is always the sucky-est.
because it feels like forever has gone by, but it's only the halfway mark.
had cca trials today, year onez always make me feel like laughing (in the nice sense).
same thing on thursday. same thing on friday.
not that bad because there r a bunch of things to look forward to
before we bury ourselves into schoolwork. and come back soon next week cheryl!
zomg.
but then we argue in capital letters every other night, and sometimes it ends in a huff. but i
hate sleeping like that and maybe you don't to.
DON'T KNOW WHY.
but i'm scared that one day we might fall out for real or something because of
some stupid crap. like how the montagues and capulets try to kill each other
over trivial stuff that neither side can remember.
you know?
not likely, but still that would suck. ruffles don't taste the same if
you r watching movies alone.
zomg if you ever leave, and there's nobody to drive me crazy,
i think i'd just rot away like a herd of mushrooms.
sorry if i was in the wrong, screw you if you were in the wrong, but in any case,
plz don't go.
):
till the sunrise.
it's the ability to move mountains, change the world; do absolutely anything.
it's strength, and more.
it's knowing you wouldn't trade that person for all the cookies in the world.
it's lying in bed at night and smiling like an idiot,
it's singing louder than usual,
it's hugging the life out of you in the middle of a pouring crowd.
it's being there at 3a.m. in the morning,
it's letting go of the past (because it will be okay.)
it’s about fears and acceptance, and pain, and courage.
it’s never giving up the fight in you.
it's about being so, so happy and you can't stop smiling and replaying the scene.
it's crazy dangerous.
it’s sticky tears on your intertwined hands.
and you know,
you'll live forever.
downright miserable about this year.
and scared and pissed. but mostly scared
you know that feeling like they are shinning this iridescent light on us,
waiting, demanding, mostly expecting an satisfactory performance but all we know
is that no matter how hard we try, we won't be enough.
i won't be enough.
but there's this instance, that at some point, you feel so alone.
and you wish there was someone who gets it.
someone who doesn't find faults. someone who'd just shut up and
listen.
someone who could see how scared i really am.
you know when they say you see clear skies after a storm?
yeah well,
it's bullshit.
because when i looked at you, the sun shone just a little brighter and
for that inch of a second,
everything felt right.
hrrmh.
found my 2010 resolutions scribbled on the back of a used target card (why??).
there were at least 8, (number 7 was a fill in the blanks___ for myself)
i suppose i fulfilled all of 3 resolutions, including no.7 which i, you know, filled in the blanks with something i actually accomplished out of the blue.
ugh. is that bad?
that makes about 2 resolutions which actually came true.
only making 1 this year!
i need to scribble it down somewhere and stash it in my (pink) wallet.
do something that scares you.
this is it. honestly, this resolution scares the shitz out of me.
i never wanted anything to do with it in the past. but
i don't know. i suppose you could say, 2010 changed me.
and i'm thinking, i want to. and i don't care if i'll get badly bruised along the way
and that it might screw up my life.
i want to do this.
hell, yeah!
I'm only up when you're not down.
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground.
It's like no matter what I do.
Well you drive me crazy half the time;
the other half I'm only trying to let you know that what I feel is true.
And I'm only me when I'm with you.
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground.
It's like no matter what I do.
Well you drive me crazy half the time;
the other half I'm only trying to let you know that what I feel is true.
And I'm only me when I'm with you.
(i realise now that i should have probably done all this shit weeks ago, but whatever.)
i want to bang my head on something.
freaking out, big time here. can't find my buttons.
where are my freakin' buttons O_O
and why must we start straightaway? it's like a bloody shout in our faces
that year 4 is going to suck bad.
which is bad. and i'm totally unprepared because year3 was so awesome.
no more happy shouts.
i think i'll bury in self-pity now until tomorrow comes.
happens all the time after every holiday but honest to gosh, since i was young till now,
and it never, never gets any better.
i don't want.
eventually, yes. but not tomorrow.
oh gosh. not tomorrow, please.
farkballs.
thurs was sentosa with YF, sand sun sea volleyball!
one of the best new year's eve with my sistaaa.
91.3fm live countdown @ acm, felt rebellious cos i was totally getting 987 updates throughout.
love the way you lie as the no. 1 song of 2010!
so it was good music and a mat and a patch of green grass. a lot, a lot of good music.
fireworks coming from marina, and they blasted Firework, haha.
here comes 2011!
school in two days and it's gonna be stripey.
can't believe 2010 is over i'm hungover.
and i'm only me when i'm with you.
to the extremely lovable dude who virtual-hugged me,
you r so cool now i think u should walk around in shades and dangly gold chains (but not baggy pants hanging off your crotchy).
who knew they weren't kidding when they said friends forever, heh. (cheezy).
you left so many times but you always somehow found your way back and that's cool.
swords out! you r (my) misguided knight because u saved tons of damsels and fell crazily for them but never me, haha but that's cool.
i'm juz glad i could say told ya' she'd know who you are.
they always do!
schmmmy. happy new year, everyone!
NEW YEAR'S EVE.
holyshite, huh.
totally can't believe all the stuff i did this year, haha. when to europe, zomg; went for mission trip, tried a shitload of new stuff and made new friends and learned to love the old ones more and had a lottttttttt of first-times. but then,
i dunno. i'm happy. happier than ever and even though i know next year will be hella hard,
i think i beyond caring already. you know, just head straight first and face everything.
anyway, wrote this a while back on my other blog, but i think it's totally fitting now;
---
had the oddest year, with so much ups and downs, all in rapid succession, and a lot, a lot of first-times for me. found out who my true friends are and who i love to bits. found out the people worth fighting for, and the ones who mean the world to me. found out the ones i'd die for and the ones i cannot live without.
i guess i really learnt a lot (mostly the hard way because life is mean).
i know i've made a few truckloads of mistakes this year but somehow i know i had to make them to learn from them.
i couldn't possibly find out from others, i guess i had to make them myself to find out.
the funny thing is that i don't regret anything at all, even though some really screwed me up badly. haha
if you know you are one of the ones who changed me in your own weird and funny way,
thankyou thankyou thankyou i want to hug all of your three times over.
the ones who wasn't afraid to unload on me, the ones who supported me relentlessly, the ones who put up with me, the ones who encouraged me, the ones who trusted me, the ones who weren't afraid to say what they thought, the ones who gave me hope, the ones who inspired me, the ones who made me cry, the ones who made me laugh till i cried, the ones who pulled me back everytime i tried to run away,
the ones who would never give up on me even after i gave up on myself.
i love you all so, so much.
---
can honestly say i'm terrified of next year but i know it'll be okay.
but in any case, i'll be here always.
it's something that keeps me coming back no matter how many times i wanted to run
and tried to. because i've found out that i can't do it. i don't care if it's not supposed to happen now.
it's about me not being able to live without you.
but mostly, it's about stepping of the edge of a mountain and learning to fly on the way down.
don't you dare let it go.
bye, 2010 thanks for screwing up my life in the bestest way ever.
ah, whatever.
you should know, you guys made my year. xxx.
-gina.
run,
cut across the blue skies.
north thailand mission trip piccas,
with HYF :D
mission trip was the best, had the greatest memory of bouncing at the back of the truck down the road
and the cold wind was pulling your hair out of its roots
but we sped along the road and you just can't help but feel all sorts of funny weird emotions.
fuzzy ones.
played with the children, painted rooms, climbed a mountain, had a campfire, chased the moon and laughed more than ever. miss it badly but it's kind of nice to be home. hot water clean toilet and no bugzz, haha.
all mixed up now.
touch the skhhhy,
merry christmaz everyone!
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