✿

warning: long, long post and you are probably better off studying, or something.

this is for me.

"because you whirled into my life that night at the train station, like a darn splash of paint, when my life was grey. "

i guess there comes a point of time in your life where you get so unimaginably busy,

but you suddenly stop and re-read the past for the hundredth time

and you realise how much you've grown since then

and it's a nice feeling, really.

because i imagine i was a cynical kid back then. holy crap, just look at that.

i don't know.

i guess i was just scrolling and reading everything simultaneously

and it just hit me that back then, when we thought we'd never make it, when we complained that it was the end,

we somehow made it out.

and then because of it, we grew in our weird little way.

because of the many, many things i was afraid of doing back then.

then i had to get my brain to stfu,

sometimes it turned out alright, but then sometimes it didn't.

that every fall i ever had was kind of worth it.

and things changed so much, in the most unimaginable sense.

2011. to say i've did all i wanted to already.

because from experience, i didn't dare to leave out anything because i was scared.

i took a heck load of risks but then again, there comes a time where falling doesn't seem as scary because you know it all too well.

i guess it was more of reading my posts then, and reading my posts now,

and realising how absurdly different they are.

and also a lot of wtf was i thinking?(s)

because i wasn't. apparently.

but now seems so surreal.

like i know school is killing me, but then at the side

there's something keeping me more alive than ever as well.

and they meet in the middle and my insides kind of spontaneously combust.

they talk of someone being just anyone else one day,

and the next day, they mean the world to you.

of to the world, they are just someone,

but to you, they are the world.

of handing them a gun and trusting they won't pull the trigger.

of having them on speed dial because you know they meant it when they said they would be there.

of breaking all your own rules and stepping off the edge

and falling.

and it's the strangest thing ever, because i don't regret it.

i guess what i'm trying to say here is that you don't know how much you mean to me.

and i don't care who gives us a smug smile because they are just watching from the sidelines.

and i really don't care if we are being judged, because there is no judgment between us at all.

it's, well, i wouldn't say protective,

it's more like comfortable. and mostly, just because it feels right.

then i was reading back on my earlier life, and i found out that i laughed at it, a lot.

and i was so sure that it'd never happen.

that i would smile at them incredulously and reassure them that it wouldn't because it was just impossible.

but you know, that you always find someone in the end that makes you understand why the others all didn't work out.

i just didn't think it would end up in a circle and all lead back to you

and that was well,

it kind of sent me down this spiral of denial for a while.

like, i refused to admit it, even to myself. in retrospect, i don't know what i was so bloody scared of. maybe it was not knowing.

maybe it was because i shut myself away from it for two years straight

and now i have to open it again, with the possibility of facing all the dragons from my past.

not that i had a valid excuse for being scared.

but sometimes, being scared is okay. because it means you still have something to lose.

i was so terrified of being in love, i made it my resolution for two years straight.

it sounds so immature and dumb and stupid now but i suppose it was a self-protection mechanism or something -.-

but then all the stupid love songs started to make sense and i just knew i was in deep shit.

and for a moment there, i felt certain that my life was screwed up and i was screwed because i was probably not going to survive it because really, who does?

ouch.

but still, it was one of those rare occasions where life decides to be nice about things.

i looked to my right, and suddenly i was not alone.

you know that feeling when you get a helium balloon, and it's bobbing around in the air,

and you tie it to your wrist, and suddenly you are handed this responsibility to keep it alive as long as you can. and you are extra mindful of everything, but every time you feel that faint tug on your wrist, you feel really happy.

that's kind of how love feels like, i think.

the thing is, i've gone in way too deep.

i look up at you, and you are looking there and i think happiness.

not a happiness like when you gotten an a-pluz on your test,

more like a happiness when you take your first flight on a plane.

there's something about meaning so much to me.

and that i never want to lose any bit of this.

and they ask what we can't live without.

i cannot live without you because you make up this little part in me.

okay it's not little. it's colossal.

i don't need to put on a strong front in front of you because you will accept me, anyway.

but mostly, it's just because you don't mind.

you know, love isn't blind. it sees but it just doesn't mind.

i don't actually know why i'm writing this.

but i'll tell you one thing,

it's always better when we are together.

but maroon 5 said that it's not always rainbows and butterflies,

it's compromise that moves us along.

it was a long ride, and a bunch of crap along the way that made me feel like i should give up.

it wasn't entirely easy the whole way, but it was worth it.

it's a lot about having faith, i guess.

holding on when you get so scared it might end.

a lot of trusting, and going back to the start when you try to remind yourself why you are doing it again.

love is weird.

it is. but get this, if there might be a possibility, at all, that you can get it, don't bother hesitating and denying and denying because sometimes the things we can't change ends up changing us.

i would say you complete me in the sense that i never knew i was incomplete before.

and dumb as that sounds,

you don't just let someone who changes you like that go.

you just don't.

❤ "" was Posted On: Sunday, April 3, 2011 @1:20 AM | 0 lovely comments ✿

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