it's not scared like looking at a test paper you didn't study for.
or scared like seeing a spider scurry across the floor
or scared like trapped in the headlights of an incoming car.
i don't know.
just go away if you don't want to hear me rant
because it's completely irrelevant to your lives anyway.
and maybe i should just shut up because whut,
it's only nationals.
gina, you are overreacting.
i'm scared, okay??
scared like stepping out unprepared into a crowd of ten thousand
and having everyone stare and you and
judge you and all you can do is
blink and stare helplessly.
need someone who won't judge.
and just let me talk for all i want,
and shut up and listen and
still tell me that everything is going to be okay in the end.
somehow wish that i knew for sure tomorrow will be okay
and not have to face letting down a whole crowd of people.
but mostly,
i'm just afraid of letting myself down
because i know the person who's the hardest on me
is myself.
this is six month's worth.
all down to one hour and fifteen minutes.
it's not whether i can do it or not.
i don't think i have much of a choice.
i just have to.
all i know is that,
i'm scared.
i'm really, really scared.
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